The DVD Dump

IN THE YEAR 2889 (1967)

Directed by Larry Buchanan (The Other Side of Bonnie and Clyde)

I have a small list of the worst directors of all-time. My list includes Ed Wood (Plan 9 From Outer Space), Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne), Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (Meet the Spartans), and Joel Schumacher (Batman and Robin). Now, I’m proud (or saddened) to add another name to my list. Congratulations, Larry Buchanan! After viewing your 1967 nuclear war survival movie, In the Year 2889, you’ve made my list.

To be fare, the title is pretty safe in its speculation of the future. It sets the movie far off in 2889 so there are no worries about it being dated for another 880 years. Also, there doesn’t seem to be anything that has particularly changed in 880 years from now other than the fact that a bunch of nukes go off. There aren’t any flying spaceships or futuristic telephones, but for all I know they were incinerated once the nukes destroyed the Earth. But, honestly, that’s the only good thing I can say about the movie. And considering nothing much seems to have changed in the future from the fear of nuclear war in the mid-20^th century, it could’ve easily taken place in the year 1970.

The movie begins with stock footage of explosions and a radio broadcast of a nuclear holocaust! It sounds scary, but the radio announcer sounds extremely bored (understandable considering how ridiculous the dialogue is he has to read). The film then transitions to a house in a valley surrounded by lead hills which protects them from all the radiation. Retired NAVY Captain John Ramsey decides to hold himself up in the house with his daughter Joanna. But then a whole bunch of survivors come to the house and screw up John’s plans of survival. John puts himself in charge of rationing arming himself with a pistol if anybody back-talks. Basically, the movie turns into a character drama with the occasional nuclear freaks coming to attack them. It’s kind of like Battlestar Galactica only less interesting with terrible acting and characters. Not to mention the nuclear freak look like people wearing bad Halloween masks.

Everybody is surprisingly calm considering what they went through. With a more competent or modern director, there would be people screaming and going bonkers over the fact they are all going to die and how the world has ended. Instead, everybody pulls lots of under and over-acting, rarely ever questioning how the world has changed or how life on Earth is over. The survivors seem more concerned with their own petty personal conflicts than the present danger of radiation destroying the Earth. Remember Dawn of the Dead and how that movie did such a greatjob of developing the surviving characters who held themselves up in the mall? Those characters were likable. These characters are either squabbling with one another as if it were some kind of bad soap opera while the others are tossing around theories of the developments in the radiation (which isn’t that interesting and doesn’t make much sense). So the movie succeeds at being a terrible movie in both story and characters. And you wouldn’t believe how painful the ending feels with its end credit stating ‘The Beginning’. Is that supposed to be ironic or something?

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 nuclear holocaust.

-1 bunny eaten by a mutant.

-3 bikini girl swimming pool scenes.

-2 love affairs.

-3 scary drawings of nuclear radiated animals.

-1 fist fight.

-3 scenes of getting drunk on moonshine.

-1 drunken sexy dance scene.

-1 random act of violence against records.

-1 random act of violence against jugs.

-1 act of a nuclear monster carrying off a woman.

-1 nuclear monster shot at.

RATING: Z-Movie

With a ridiculously stupid nuclear monster costume, horrible soap-opera acting, and a dull story with plot holes big enough to drive a car through, In the Year 2889 is undeniably a Z-movie. The worst thing about this movie is that it is basically a remake of a Roger Corman film, The Day the World Ended, which is actually a better movie. But, honestly, if you’re ripping off Roger Corman flicks, you have problems, Larry Buchanan.

A BUCKET OF BLOOD (1959)

Written by Charles B. Griffith (Death Race 2000)

Directed by Roger Corman (The Raven)

If there is one genre of filmmaking I think is the hardest to achieve, it would have to be dark comedy. I’ve lots of dark comedies that are either too dark and depressing to be considered comedic or far too humorous to be considered dark. A Bucket of Blood is a perfect example of a good dark comedy. It’s rich with comedy, but not forced. It’s dark in its subject matter, but not depressing. And considering it was made on a light budget and shot in just five days, it just goes to show you that Roger Corman is the king of directing low-budget movies that make bank.

Walter Paisley (Dick Miller) is a busboy at a Bohemian café where artists and beatniks hang out and sling hilariously dated beatnik slang at each other. Walter desperately wants to break into being an artist, but he’s so wimpy and not capable of making anything beautiful. That is, until, he accidentally kills his neighbor’s cat and gets the genius idea to cover it in clay and pass it off as art. It’s a horrible and immoral idea, but in Walter’s lonely and depressing world, it makes sense. And the fact that Walter does it just so he can gain the popularity of crazy beatniks holds an element of comedy. Naturally, Walter gets carried away and ends up murdering people who find out, which leads to Walter’s next ‘artistic’ piece. When Walter’s boss, Leonard, discovers his secret to artistic success he becomes nervous around others and Walter’s latest work. Eventually, the whole thing snowballs into Walter’s scheme being revealed and he ends up going crazy by turning himself into work…sort of.

The tone and build up of the movie is perfect. As the movie progresses, you grow just as nervous and edgy as Leonard. However, I’m not one of those people to look away at such an alluring conflict, so I grew more intrigued as the story progressed. The entire cast brings their A game to a B-movie. They all fulfill their roles perfectly and none of them feel as if they were sleepwalking through their lines (although the beatnik slang is a bit off-putting at times). The humor is a mix of dark comedy and social satire that actually blends together surprisingly well. I mean, you feel bad for the people Walter murders, but you can’t help but laugh at his artistic successes. Not to mention that the actual expressions Walter captures with his sculptures are priceless. I did feel a little bit of sympathy for Walter considering he just wanted to be socially accepted, but by the time I reached the climax, he was so far gone he had to be brought down.

As for the cons of the movie, the only real ‘look-how-cheap-this-is’ moment was with the dead cat. The cat is arched and stiff as a board, but thankfully the lighting tries to cover this up as much as possible. The only real bad thing I can say about the movie is that its title will appear misleading as there is not a spec of blood in the whole movie. But maybe that’s just an attention getter. Those who go into this movie may be disappointed with the lack of blood and gore, but they’ll get something even better.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 stabbed cat turned into clay art.

-2 people murdered and turned into clay art.

-1 person decapitated and turned into clay art.

RATING: B-Movie

At a brisk 66 minutes, A Bucket of Blood doesn’t outstay its welcome or milk the concept dry. Unlike Roger Corman’s other movies, this one I can recommend to anyone as its story holds together with likable character and a creative subject of horror. Overall, it’s a fun dark comedy that’ll surprise those not expecting much. Think of it as an extended Twilight Zone episode too gruesome in its subject matter for TV.

THE MAN WITH THE SCREAMING BRAIN (2005)

Directed by and starring Bruce Campbell

Bruce Campbell is known by many as the king of b-movies. If you’ve never seen Evil Dead, Evil Dead 2, Army of Darkness, Bubba Ho-Tep, or even his more recent TV series Burn Notice, you’re missing out on one of the best actors of all time with a chin that could dwarf Jay Leno. He’s made countless cameos and has an incredibly large fan-base. So when Bruce Campbell decided to write, direct, and play the lead in a movie called The Man with the Screaming Brain, there was an indescribable amount of hype. I mean, it’s the king of the B-movies taking the helm on his own B-movie!

Okay, so I’m a fan of Bruce Campbell, but could you blame me? Look at his chin! Alright, time to give a real review. First off, this movie is not perfect. Those expecting a Sam Raimi type movie (Evil Dead 1-2) with lots of clever camera work and lots of creepy special effects, you’re going to be disappointed. Also, this is a direct-to-TV movie which means the budget is going to be pretty darn low (and it is). However, if you can get over those limitations, The Man with the Screaming Brain can be a fun little B-movie (which is what it is intended to be).

The film follows an unhappy married couple, William Cole (Bruce Campbell) and Jackie, on a business trip in Bulgaria with a cranky cab driver, Yegor. When a crazy hotel maid, Tatoya, murders both Yegor and William, the crazy Dr. Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov (Stacy Keach) and his rap-loving assistant Pavel (Ted Raimi) haul the bodies back to a laboratory where they put Yegor’s brain into William’s body. William ends up with a giant scar on his forehead in the shape of a Mercedes logo and now is stuck with Yegor controlling half his body while speaking in his head. William escapes the doctor’s lab and hilarity ensues as William and Yegor attempt to share the same body and get back at the woman who killed them. Naturally, they don’t like each other. Meanwhile, the maid has also murdered Jackie. Pavel thinks it would be a good idea to put her brain in a robot mannequin body. More hilarity ensues as robot Jackie wants to kill the maid too! And if you think that is ridiculous, wait until you see the happy ending.

The characters take a while to get use to considering the majority of them during the first third of the movie are very unlikable. But once they are thrown into the science fiction mess, you start warming up to them. The comedy is primarily composed of slapstick humor and moments of overacting from the entire cast. Some highlights include Bruce Campbell riding a pink Vespa and getting into a gritty bar fight. But the characters I found to be the most hilarious were Stacy Keach and Ted Raimi who play up their roles with such silliness I don’t know how they could hold back their laughter. Campbell doesn’t do a half-bad job directing. There is a great shot of him running into a crowd of people just after his surgery screaming and scaring people. So, overall, I’d say he accomplished what he set out to make. Be warned, however, if watching actors like Stacy Keach and Ted Raimi acting dorky seems stupid, this is not the movie for you. But, honestly, how can you take a plot like this seriously?

DVD Dump Counter:

-4 murdered people ripe for mad doctor materials.

-3 brain transplants.

-1 hilarious falling-down-the-stairs scene.

-1 rigid break-dancing robot.

-1 mad scientist.

-1 rap-enthusiast lab assistant.

-1 restaurant bit.

-1 chase scene involving a pink Vespa.

Memorable Quotes:

“Sounds like there is some shizzle going on down there my nizzle”

“You must forget to remember, before you remember to forget”

RATING: B-Movie

While not as classic as Evil Dead or Bubba Ho-Tep, The Man with the Screaming Brain is a worthy and enjoyable B-movie. The story takes awhile to get going, but once it gets off the ground, it’s a fun ride. If you’ve never seen a Bruce Campbell movie, this may not be a good starter movie. But if you’re a Campbell fan like me, this is pure movie geek fun.

BAD TASTE (1987)

Directed by and starring Peter Jackson (Lord of the Rings)

One movie cross-genre I wish there were more of is horror comedies. If carried out correctly, they can be some of the most fun movies to ever watch. But what exactly is considered a good horror comedy. Look no further than Peter Jackson who before becoming a powerful fantasy director was the king of cult horror comedies.

Bad Taste was Peter Jackson’s first film that he wrote, directed, starred in and did special effects for. It was filmed over the course of four years primarily on the weekends with a teeny tiny budget (even by today’s indie standards). Despite the films limitations, the film surprisingly succeeds in its filming, editing, special effects, and tone. The story is pretty simple and really just an excuse for some gore and comedy (perfectly understandable). A bunch of guys from the ‘New Zealand National Air and Space Defense League’ go to a small village to investigate the mysterious disappearance of the townsfolk. It turns out that aliens are behind this! What kind of aliens? The kind that look like humans and where denim shirts. They’re the worst! But, don’t worry, Jackson saves their true alien form for later.

Meanwhile, Derek (Peter Jackson), the comic relief character of the League, has captured one of these ‘aliens’ known as Robert who also ends up as a comic relief character (also played by Peter Jackson). Derek holds him dangling off a cliff via a rope tied to his leg, but once some more denim-wearing aliens attack him with sledgehammers, Derek breaks out the machine are starts blasting away. However, Robert breaks free during this scuffle and chucks Derek off the cliff. Derek actually survives the fall, but now has to walk around for the rest of the movie with his skull occasionally flipping open in the back. His role now is to get revenge on the aliens and occasionally stuff his brains back into his head or acquire new brain matter along the way.

As for the rest of the League, they make it their mission to save an innocent charity collector who has been kidnapped by the aliens. On their rescue mission, they discover the aliens are actually from a failing galactic fast-food chain and they’re using humans as their new taste sensation. So it’s up to the League to shoot their way out of there and stop these flesh-eating aliens. And if you think the aliens look silly in their denim uniforms, just wait until you see them in alien form.

Peter Jackson has proven over time to be a master of special effects and horror, here he attempts at merging action into his horror comedy. While he does a pretty good job filming it considering the limitations, the weakest scenes in the movie involve the shootout. There are some bloody and gory scenes during the shootout, but for the most part it’s the League firing bullets at the denim-sporting aliens who fall down. And the League never misses a shot! But where the film succeeds the most is with its grossness. Limbs go flying, blood flows like wine, brain matter is squished in all sorts of ways, intestines come out of the body easily, and kudos to Peter Jackson for attempting one of the most disgusting ways ever to kill somebody with a chainsaw.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 blown off head.

-1 human battering ram.

-1 death via sledgehammer in the head.

-1 knife nailed into a foot.

-1 fake looking bloody fall off a cliff.

-4 instances of exposed brain.

-1 scene of brain eating with a spoon.

-1 stew of human.

-1 split in half body via car crash.

-1 snapped and torn off head.

-1 scene of eating vomit.

-1 big shootout.

-1 axe to the head.

-1 machete to the throat.

-2 instances of getting kicked in the nuts.

-3 chainsaw deaths.

-3 rocket launcher explosions.

-1 exploding car.

-1 exploding sheep.

-1 rocket-powered house.

RATING: B-Movie

While not as gory as Jackson’s other films Meet the Feebles and Dead Alive, Bad Taste is a great place to start for those not familiar with early Peter Jackson. The film stands well enough on its own as a horror comedy with a good energy and tone that makes the whole experience fun. But, keep in mind, when I say horror comedy, I’m not talking about those about those Wayans brothers Scary Movie films. This is gore with a slapstick and goofy element to it.

Still too cold out? It is where I live. And you just don’t feel like running out to Blockbuster Video to check out the latest junk that snuck into the video store.  Well, fear not, I’ve tracked down all the direct-to-video new releases that are sure to be fodder for future DVD Dump reviews.

10 Dead Men

Synopsis: Ryan has spent years putting his brutal past behind him. A different man now to the stone cold killer he was a lifetime ago. But when an old face from the past arrives on his doorstep, Ryan is called upon to repay a blood debt from years ago. But the price is too high. Betrayed, and with his life falling apart around him, Ryan goes on a murderous, bloody revenge spree against the Ten Men who took his life away from him. Ten men took away his life. Now Ten Men Will Pay.

Dead of Night

Synopsis: Three Tales of Mystery, Imagination & Suspense!

Legendary producer-director Dan Curtis (Dark Shadows, The Night Stalker) presents a thrilling trilogy of spell-binding stories with mystery-horror writer Richard Matheson (I Am Legend, The Twilight Zone):

SECOND CHANCE
After buying an antique automobile, Frank (Ed Begley Jr.) restores the vehicle to its original condition. Along with the car, Frank is transported back in time to the year 1926. Based on a short story by Jack Finney.

NO SUCH THING AS A VAMPIRE
Alexis (Anjanette Comer), the mistress of an old mansion, is terrified of vampires. When her husband (Patrick Macnee) calls in a friend (Horst Bucholtz) to examine her, a macabre scheme unfolds.

BOBBY
On a dark and stormy night, a boy (Lee H. Montgomery), thought to be dead, surprises his despondent mother (Joan Hackett) at the family beach house, bringing her both extreme joy and overwhelming terror.

Deep Winter

Synopsis: Maverick downhill racer, Tyler Crowe, reunites with best friend and renegade snowboarder, Mark Rider. It doesn’t take long for the old friends to take on a new mission. Together they head to Alaska, where led by a veteran guide, the two attempt the most daring descent on snow ever caught on film. But with glory comes risk. And this challenge is no exception.

Exploitation Cinema: Horror High/Lurkers

Synopsis: HORROR HIGH 1974 PG 85 minutes Anamorphic Widescreen (1.85:1)
A shock-filled tale of a serious and shy, but brilliant science student, who, when wrongfully forced to consume a new drug he’d created, becomes a modern day Jeckyl and Hyde, allowing his pent-up rage to explode in a thoroughly terrifying way.

LURKERS 1988 R 90 minutes
A psychological thriller about a beautiful, young New York cellist, whose demonic childhood nightmares have returned, plunging her into a horrific series of events that threaten her success, her sanity…and her life.

Exploitation Cinema: Nightmare in Wax/Blood of Dracula’s Castle

Synopsis: A Terrifying double feature starring Two Titans of Terror John Carradine and Cameron Mitchell!

NIGHTMARE IN WAX 1969 PG 96 minutes Anamorphic Widescreen (1.85:1)
Cameron Mitchell stars as Vincent Renard, a horribly disfigured curator that drugs unsuspecting actors, murders them and casts them in wax to display in his eerie Movieland Wax Museum exhibits. Two hapless detectives start looking into the case, but do they have any chance at stopping the power-mad Vincent Renard?

BLOOD OF DRACULA S CASTLE 1969 M 84 minutes Anamorphic Widescreen (1.85:1)
A chilling, blood-curdling tale about a young couple that inherits an old castle but finds it already inhabited by a crazy butler (John Carradine), an obsessed killer and a couple of vampires, who kidnap and sacrifice young girls in order to live on and on.

Final Engagement (2007)

Synopsis: A mobster’s being forced into an arranged marriage attempts to rob her father and escape into hiding with here lover to start a new life.

Final Remains (2006)

Synopsis: Four college students face a serial killer when they break into a mortuary.

The Gene Generation (2008)

Synopsis: In a futuristic world, Michelle lives everyday battling with DNA Hackers who use their skills to hack into people’s bodies and kill them.

Girls Rock!

Synopsis: The Rock ‘n Roll Camp for Girls is a place where 8-18 year olds come to jam, form bands, write songs and build community. What they discover is their own true voice, and a confidence in themselves that is the true meaning of “Girls Rock!” This magnificent experiment in empowerment leaves no one unchanged. This is their journey.

Gutterballs

Synopsis: From the director of LIVE FEED comes the most outrageous, gross-out flick of the year! A brutally sadistic rape leads to a series of bizarre gory murders during a midnight disco bowl-a-rama at a popular bowling alley. One by one, players of two teams meet blood-drenched gruesome deaths at the hand of a black bowling-gloved masked killer. This alley will run red with blood by sunrise and the shocking twist that reveals the killer will shock even the most jaded viewer!

Higher Ground

Synopsis: John Denver stars in this dramatic thriller set against the awesome backdrop of the Alaskan wilderness. A disillusioned FBI agent decides to retire and join his buddy running an air freight business. When his friend is murdered and unjustly branded a bootlegger, the former agent sets out to clear his friend’s name. Guest starring Martin Kove and Richard Masur as Bill McClain!

Just Buried (2007)

Synopsis: A young man inherits a nearly bankrupt funeral home from his estranged father. He falls in love with the alluring young mortician, only to find out she’s offing people to keep the place in business!

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Sharks in Venice

Synopsis: Traveling to Venice to investigate the mysterious death of his father, David, a famous archaeologist and diver, unearths a killer secret that lies beneath the venetian waters.

Single Black Female

Synopsis: Set in the sexy and affluent city of Beverly Hills, Karma s (Farrah Franklin) roommate ends up brutally murdered. Having to deal with the horrible murder of her roommate and the very high mortgage payments on her slick mansion, Karma knows she has to find a new roommate quickly. After a bunch of odd and nutty people respond to Karma s roommate wanted ads, she finally agrees that the beautiful and very sexy girl Sky (Kelle Cantwell) is the chosen one. Karma s music manager Wesley (Charlie Adams) soon realizes something strange is going on with both roommates. In a world of rich and beautiful people even the obvious is not what it seems. The truth might be right in front of you but be careful the newspaper ad you reply to may be your last!

The Stewardesses 3D: 40th Anniversary Deluxe Edition (1969)

Synopsis: Its 1969 and the skies have never been friendlier. Experience a day in the life of a group of swinging stewardesses where anything goes. After The Stewardesses film opened in San Francisco in the summer of 1969, it ignited screens across the country, building a buzz that the Hollywood majors would die for. During the film’s run into the early 1970s, new scenes would be filmed and added to bring more story and action to the feature. This 2-dvd set presents the full, uncut film in the original 3D color and black-and-white restored editions as well as a color 2D version. So put your tray table down, make sure your seat is in the reclined, relaxed position and enjoy the trip.
Bonus Features:

* 3 mini-documentaries about the film.

* Movie stills, ads, trailers and more.

* Includes 2 pairs of collectible 3D glasses

STRIKE FORCE (1975)

Starring Richard Gere (Chicago)

In the realm of made-for-TV movies, it’s rare that I’ll come across an action movie let alone an action with Richard Gere. But as I soon found out, this was actually a pilot for a TV series that never came to be. How could I tell? Just give the music a listen and tell me if that sounds like the soundtrack to a TV series or a movie.

So Strike Force is a special unit of mismatched cops trying to take down a heroin ring in New York City. The team is composed of Detective Joey Gentry, a street-smart narcotics officer, FBI Agent Jerome Ripley, strictly by-the-book straight man, and Trooper Walter Spenser (Richard Gere), the young and eager cop specializing in surveillance. Together, they use their skills and personalities to uncover the drug ring and work together as a team. For the most part, they have a decent relationship. Even the black member of the team, Jerome, is pretty cool and calm when he explains to Joey…

“We don’t all play basketball, honky.”

Their tactics are pretty standard cop show affair. Walk around town, talk to some locals, get some information, do some staking out, and uncover some drugs or make some arrests from time to time. There are the usual moments when one of them makes a fool of himself or cracks a few jokes. Of course, there is the moment towards the end where the clues come together and a rivalry that build with the characters in the middle. There are some well-shot foot chases which both end with the escaping individual running into a car. And the movie ends with a hilarious shootout at the city dump which ends with Joey shooting at a car and it EXPLODES! That’s always a good way to end a movie.

DVD Dump Counter:

-4 bad guys killed.

-3 stakeouts.

-1 drug bust.

-2 foot chases.

-1 shootout at the dump.

-1 exploding car via gunshot.

RATING: B-Movie

The story is very simple for a cop show, but there is some good acting and tight direction that saves this movie from becoming boring. Strike Force is worth watching, if nothing else, to see a young and dorky Richard Gere trying to be a cop. Oh, and it’s always fun to see a car explode for no logical reason.

When I first heard that there was a movie coming out called G-Force, this is what came to mind:

For those who aren’t familiar with this show, G-Force was a Japanese cartoon known as Science Ninja Team Gatchaman in Japan. Although most old school cartoon fans recognize it as the 1970’s title, Battle of the Planets. It was a pretty decent action show and took a lot of risks for a cartoon that was essentially aimed at children. I would be thrilled to see a trailer for a movie based on that show. But, no, that’s not what with this G-Force movie is based on. Instead…

Yeah, the G stands for guinea pigs. And the Force stands for fighting international crime. So, its a movie about international crime fighting guinea pigs. That is nothing new for Disney, but this is a Jerry Bruckheimer production. What the heck was Disney putting in his coffee during the Pirates movies? Or, more importantly, how did Hoyt Yeatman convince Jerry to give him money to direct G-Force? If you’re not familiar with Hoyt Yeatman, he was the visual effects genius who brought us such Disney classics as Underdog and Kangaroo Jack. Not to mention the movie is written be five people who aren’t too bad, but usually when you have a lot of writers for one movie, its not a good sign (The Flintstones had over 30 writers). Cast wise, it’s nothing special. Nicholas Cage, Penélope Cruz, and Tracy Morgan provide the voices of the talking guinea pigs while other actors like Will Arnett and Zach Galifianakis play human characters. The CGI looks okay, but, honestly, thats the least of this movie’s problems. Its story looks about as droll and predictable as any other talking animal movie.

My prediction: Given the fact that this is nothing new for Disney and I’ve seen a lot worse, it’ll probably end up as an average C-Movie. However, I really hate that this movie bares the name G-Force which will result in confusion when referring to Gatchaman.

G-Force will make its American debut July 24, 2009. It’ll most likely be rated PG.

THE COLD ROOM (1984)

Starring George Segal (Just Shoot Me)

*No DVD cover found online. This movie came as a double feature with Deadly Drifter.*

What makes a bad movie bad? Is it the special effects, the acting, the story, or the cinematography? It can be all of these, but what makes a truly BAD movie to me is if it’s boring. Yes, lots of films have bad acting and bad special effects, but depending on how over the top they are, I’m intrigued to watch further to see how much worse it can get and have bragging rights later. But the truly bad ones that are a chore to get through are the boring ones. And The Cold Room is boooooooooooooooooooring.

It’s really sad, too, because The Cold Room’s story actually has potential to be interesting. Amanda Pays plays Carla, a schoolgirl who travels to East Berlin with her estranged father (George Segal) for some reason. They check into a boring hotel and spend time with daddy’s new girlfriend, Lili. They visit a Nazi museum where Carla and Lili get into a political argument that’s a lot more boring than it sounds. Carla runs off and almost gets raped or mugged or whatever the guy walking slowly towards her would have done. Carla’s father brings her back to the hotel and finds out she is doing drugs. Later she discovers somebody living in the walls, inside a cold room used for storing kosher meats. However, she starts freaking out and wondering if she is going crazy and slipping between eras to visit the man in the cold room. But she sees her estranged father raping her and wonders if she imagined that too. So does that mean she actually has sex with the guy in the cold room or was that a dream?

Is she crazy? Probably. Do I care? Not in the least. The huge problem with this movie is that everything is so dreary and boring. There is no reason at all to care about Carla since she is completely unlikable. Sure, having your estranged dad hooking up with a new girl can be awkward, but this girl is just too far gone to give a crap about her. Even before she starts seeing the man in the cold room, she is smoking, doing drugs, and getting into big arguments whenever she gets the chance. Any other character in this movie is better than her in some way, shape or form. Too bad they are all sleeping through their roles as well.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 Nazi flashback.

-2 foot chases.

-1 scene of incest rape.

-1 sex scene (non-rape).

-?? scenes of under-acting and poor dialogue.

RATING: Z-Movie

Even if you have a thing for crazy romance stories about making love to a Jew during World War 2, this movie is boring, boring, snoring-halfway-through boring! Maybe with the right cinematography, the right director, and the right actors, this could’ve been an Oscar-worthy movie. But, as it stands, the movie and everyone in it looks like they are asleep. And if the actors look bored, I get bored and fall asleep, dreaming about better movies like Police Academy.

JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF TIME (1967)

Starring Scott Brady (Gremlins)

It’s amazing how these old science fiction movies can have such awesome titles. Just thinking about the title Journey to the Center of Time made me think of all kinds of possibilities like a cinematic special effects creation of the beginning of the universe. Regardless of the theory present, it would’ve been interesting to watch. Sadly, this movie only time travels to the future, the prehistoric past, and back to the present. However, it also presents some interesting (if not bizarre and sometimes boring) theories of time and space.

The movie follows three scientists, Mark, Karen and, Gordon, working on a time-travelling ship. Gordon, in particular, is sporting the dapper Henry Kissinger look. They do show the outer structure of the ship in miniature form, but most of the movie takes place inside the ship which is just an orange sphere with lots of machines and signs indicating what the machines are. Think of it as a very low-budget Star Trek. So a grumpy company owner, Stanton, questions the project taking so much of his money. After a boring lecture on time and space and threatening to shut them down, Stanton gets in the machine with the scientists and they take it for a test drive. Mark gets cocky and ends up sending them into the future.

The future is filled with blue aliens who are being attacked by humans in an atomic war. After learning a lesson about man’s folly, everyone gets back in the ship and tries to travel back. But, wait, something is in their way! Stanton destroys it though with his great knowledge of firing laser weapons at full blast. That something comes back to bite him in the butt later. The laser blast they fired from the ship caused them to travel too fast. So they don’t end up traveling to the present, but rather cycling through a whole bunch of stock footage until they reach the prehistoric era, 1 million BC. Stanton goes venturing around because he is stupid and the crew has to look for him. Karen spots a giant iguana, discharges the laser, and ends up breaking their ruby used for time travel. They discover emeralds in a cave and realize they can fix their ship if they can find a ruby. While they search, Stanton, being the greedy man he is, takes on the secondary role as the man who can’t let a diamond go. There is always one. However, his ignorance caused the cavern to collapse and ends up killing Gordon (via falling into hot lava).

Stanton gets in the ship before anyone else and starts time travelling back when, wait, something is coming right at him. Wait, it’s the same ship! Stanton kills himself through paradox! So now that same time traveling ship travels to the same prehistoric location, giving Mark and Karen a chance to travel to the present except everything is happening a couple of minutes prior in slow-motion for some reason and-AAAHHHHH! My head hurts! No! Now the movie is replaying itself in recap form! The ending makes no sense! Make it stop!

DVD Dump Counter:

-5 instances of time travel.

-1 time traveling collision.

-1 culture of blue aliens in the future.

-1 stock footage montage.

-1 giant iguana.

-1 scientist burned to death by lava.

-1 greedy idiot killed by paradox.

-1 lengthy recap at the ending.

RATING: C-Movie

And I’m being generous here. The special effects are okay for their time and the Star Trek atmosphere I can kind of dig. But after watching The Time Machine, Back to the Future and a whole bunch of Twilight Zone episodes, I’m a little more educated on time travel to believe the confusing elements being thrown at me in this movie. Its fun for some goofy science fiction nonsense, but don’t try to understand the logistics of what their talking about in this film or you’ll blow your brains out three days later.

The nominations are out and time to make my picks for the worst movie awards of the year.

 Worst Actor:

- Larry the Cable Guy, Witless Protection
- Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave
- Mike Myers, The Love Guru
- Al Pacino, 88 Minutes and Righteous Kill
- Mark Wahlberg, The Happening and Max Payne

This one is a tough call. Eddie Murphy was the winner last year and he has a strong chance at this year, but my gut tells me it’ll be Mike Myers.

Worst Actress:

- Jessica Alba, The Eye and The Love Guru
- Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Debra Messing, Jada Pinkett-Smith and Meg Ryan, The Women
- Cameron Diaz, What Happens In Vegas
- Paris Hilton, The Hottie And The Nottie
- Kate Hudson, Fools Gold and My Best Friend’s Girl

Paris Hilton, no contest. She’s in a movie where her character is suppose to be seen as pretty and beautiful…yeah.

 Worst Supporting Actor

- Uwe Boll, Postal
- Pierce Brosnan, Mamma Mia!
- Ben Kingsley, The Love Guru, War Inc and The Wackess
- Burt Reynolds, Deal and In The Name Of The King
- Verne Troyer, The Love Guru and Postal

You know, there’s something about Verne Troyer and his nothing roles that give him a shot at winning this year. Although, Uwe Boll seems like a big target appearing in his own movie, so I’m going with Uwe Boll.

 Worst Supporting Actress

- Carmen Electra, Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
- Paris Hilton, Repo: The Genetic Opera
- Kim Kardashian, Disaster Movie
- Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
- Leelee Sobieski, 88 Minutes and In The Name Of The King

As much as everyone would like to jump on Paris Hilton, she was okay in Repo. I’m going after Carmen Electra on this one. Clearly she has no more scrupiles if she’ll appear in two of the biggest, crappiest movies of the year.

Worst Screen Couple Nominations

- Uwe Boll & ANY Actor, Camera or Screenplay
- Cameron Diaz & Ashton Kutcher, What Happens In Vegas
- Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Joel David Moore, Hottie & The Nottie
- Larry the Cable Guy & Jenny McCarthy, Witless Protection
- Eddie Murphy In Eddie Murphy, Meet Dave

I don’t know, there is something about Eddie Murphy playing two roles where he looks exactly the same that makes me want to vote for him. Yeah, I’m going with Eddie ‘King of Bad Blockbusters’ Murphy.

 Worst Prequel, Remake, Rip-Off or Sequel Nominations 2008

- The Day The Earth Blowed Up Real Good
- Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
- Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull
- Speed Racer
- Star Wars: The Clone Wars

I didn’t know Meet the Spartans and Disaster Movie counted in this category! But, if they consider them sequels, then they truly deserve this category.

Worst Director

- Uwe Boll, 1968: Tunnel Rats, In The Name Of The King and Postal
- Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer, Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans
- Tom Putnam, The Hottie And The Nottie
- Marco Schnabel, The Love Guru
- M. Night Shyamalan, The Happening

Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer all the way! They deserve every crappy award coming to them.

Worst Screenplay

- Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans, Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
- The Happening, M. Night Shyamalan
- The Hottie And The Nottie, Heidi Ferrer
- In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Doug Taylor
- The Love Guru, Mike Myers & Graham Gordy

It has to be Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans. If there is any justice in the world, these two movies will win worst screenplay.

Worst Picture

-Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans

-The Happening

-The Hottie and the Nottie

-In the Name of the King

-The Love Guru

No contest. Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans are shoe-ins.

The Razzies winners will be announced Saturday night February 21, 2009 at Barnsdall Gallery Theatre in Hollywood. Visit Razzies.com for more information.