Jan 07 2009
Manos, The Hands of Fate (Review)
MANOS, THE HANDS OF FATE (1966)
Starring nobody who went on to do anything
Once upon a time, there was a fertilizer salesman from El Paso named Harold P Warren. One day Harold decided to make a bet with a screenwriter that he could make his own horror film on a low budget. He would call it Manos, The Hands of Fate and it would be about a family on vacation who stumbled into an occult. He filmed it all on a handheld camera that could only record for 32 seconds and could not record sound so the voices would have to be dubbed in later. It took lots of work, but he eventually finished the movie. And how did it turn out?
IT’S CRAP! It’s bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! I’m talking Ed Wood bad. Where do I begin? Let’s start with the opening sequence in which we see a family in the car on vacation. The family consists of the father, Mike, the mother, Margaret, the daughter, Debbie, and their dog, Pepe or Fifi or whatever. Where exactly they’re going is never answered. After a brief introduction with some horrible camera work and acting, there is a two minute sequence of driving footage. Apparently, this was supposed to be the credit sequence, but the credits do not appear for budget reasons. But, honestly, it still wouldn’t have helped this scene. The footage is mostly shot from the jerky inside-the-car perspective, they dissolve to the same shot at least once, and the smooth jazzy number playing during this sequence will either irritate you or put you to sleep.
Meanwhile, a couple make-out with their car parked on the side of the road. Seriously, who makes-out right on the side of the road with the top down for all to see? And they do this at least three times during the whole movie! And the cops catch them twice and they STILL keep doing it! What purpose does this couple serve for the movie? NOTHING! That is unless you count adding a bit of romance and love to the picture since the vacationing family has neither for each other.
The family eventually stumbles onto a hotel run by Torgo, a bum dressed like Indiana Jones with large kneecaps. He’s suppose to be a satyr, but that’s what he looks like. He stutters a lot and doesn’t so much walk as stumble all over the place. Torgo says the family cannot stay because The Master would not approve, but they do anyway. After a long period of reaction shots and nothing happening, the family go inside and see the frightening painting of The Master. This is followed by another sequence of reaction shots and nothing happening.
Actually, that kind of sums up the whole movie: reaction shots and nothing happening. After Debbie’s dog is killed…somehow, the family realizes they are stuck there as the car won’t start…for some reason. While Mike futilely attempts to fix the car, Torgo futilely attempts to hit on Margaret by touching her hair. Debbie wanders off and finds a new dog that looks like the one in the painting of The Master. Debbie soon leads Mike and Margaret to the sleeping place of The Master and his wives. The family, slightly frightened by what they saw, goes back to the hotel and forgets about all that. Margaret undresses and Torgo watches. That was pretty creepy, but what’s even creepier is when Torgo knocks Mike out and ties him to a tree. Why? I wish I knew. I truly wish I knew.
The Master and his six wives awaken. The Master’s new plan is to turn both Margaret and Debbie, THE FEMALE CHILD, into his brides. The wives don’t like this and start a debate which involves wrestling in night gowns. While the cat fight breaks out, The Master decides to confront Torgo about touching his brides in their sleep. So after touching him in the groin and waving his magic wand in front of Torgo, he decides Torgo must die. After The Master breaks up a fight and sentences one his wives to be burnt to death, Torgo’s death is carried out. It involves two of The Master’s wives rubbing their hands all over Torgo and then sticking Torgo’s hand in a fire which somehow detaches it. But Torgo didn’t really die. He just sort of ran off into the darkness with his arm on fire. Way to go, ‘Master’. You can’t even kill someone properly.
Later on, Mike gets free and breaks out his gun so he can shoot at a snake. He decides that herding his family back in the hotel would be the best bet. But, wouldn’t you know it, The Master shows up and the gun does nothing! Cut to two women in a car going on vacation. MORE BORING DRIVING FOOTAGE! The two women arrive at the hotel where *gasp* Mike is the new Torgo. Dun dun duuuunnnnnnnnn!
And this movie has the nerve to end the credits with ‘The End?’ as if today this is the end…or is it? The answer? YES! That is THE END of this movie and the careers of anyone involved with it. Nobody on this film went on to do ANYTHING. In fact, the actor who played Torgo committed suicide a year after the movie premiered. So there is no chance of a reunion special or cameo in a remake.
DVD Dump Counter:
-2 loooooooooong driving sequences.
-1 sung version of ‘Row Row Row Your Boat’.
-2 times the cops have to break up a make-out session.
-1 dead dog.
-6 wives of The Master.
-1 bizarre 3-on-3 wife fight.
-1 rattlesnake shot at.
-1 severed and burning hand.
-68 minutes of my life wasted.
RATING: Z-Movie
This is the worst of the worst. I dare you to find a movie that tries less than this piece of crap made by a fertilizer salesman. This is the one movie that makes Plan 9 From Outer Space look like Star Wars. And that’s saying something.
*NOTE: Manos is the Spanish word for hands. The actual translated title would be Hands, The Hands of Fate.
