Jan 12 2009
Abraxas, Guardian of the Universe (Review)
ABRAXAS, GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE (1991)
Starring Jesse “The Body” Ventura (The Running Man)
Many years ago, when Jesse Ventura was the governor of Minnesota, I attended high school with his daughter. Naturally, a bunch of friends and I poked fun at her for her relationship to “The Body”. But had I known about the one movie Jesse Ventura actually played the lead, Abraxas, I would’ve been more sympathetic to her plight…or I would’ve brought the movie into school and ragged on her more.
The movie opens to Jesse Ventura as Abraxas being shocked as he answers questions from a computer. Apparently, he’s been a cop (or ‘finder’) for over 10,000 years. His mission is to bring to justice the renegade Secundus (played by Sven-Ole Thorsen) who he tracks to Earth. Abraxas chases Secundus around a forest with a gun that makes poor-quality explosions. Later Secundus meets a woman named Sonia who he impregnates. Rape scene? No, Secundus is an alien. He has better ways of doing the dirty deed. He simply places his hand over her stomach, it glows, and there is a bun in the oven. Why did he do this? Apparently the baby is a Colemater which will possess the anti-life equation and apparently that’s a bad thing. After Abraxas captures Secundus, he can’t bring himself to kill Sonia going against his orders to eliminate the Colemater. Abraxas leaves and Sonia births the baby in just a few minutes! If I were to see this movie as a kid, I’d be super confused about pregnancy.
After some tender moments with Sonia and her baby, we cut to five years later where the kid’s name is Tommy and he doesn’t talk. Secundus escapes from prison and heads back to Earth with Abraxas close behind. Meanwhile, Tommy is having a hard time in school so Sonia talks to the principal, played by a mullet-sporting Jim Belushi. Abraxas and Secundus chase each other with their narration and soft-jazz music as if the movie is building up to some kinky sex scene between the two. And that soft-jazz is pretty much soundtrack setting a sleep-inducing tone for the rest of the movie.
So the two play cat and mouse hurting people along the way and flexing their bad acting muscles. Naturally there is lots of punching, pushing, breaking through windows, breaking through doors, etc. We finally see what’s so special out Tommy when he makes the other kids pee their pants and fling themselves into bathroom stalls. Once Abraxas gets to Sonia first and they become romantically involved, of course. But their relationship is odd as Abraxas is not familiar with romance, making him out to be a giant puppy dog.
Actually, that’s how Abraxas and Secundus act throughout the entire movie; like brain-dead muscle men. There is one scene in which Secundus enters a diner and thinks he can eat the menu and the check. But things turn serious when Secendus walks into an elementary school and threatens to kill all the children if he does not get the Colemater. A fight and a chase follow. Once Secundus captures Tommy, he brings him to a factory where Tommy makes everything explode in fire while a horrible 80’s song sets the wrong tone for the scene. This leads to one of the most ridiculously edited fight scenes ever filmed with Abraxas and Secundus slugging it out in slow-motion as Tommy creates complimentary explosions with his mind. The soft-jazz continues to play during this scene as well! The fight ends with Abraxas scrambling Secundus’ brain making his explode with one of the most hilariously bad excuses for an explosion. A predictable happy ending follows with Abraxas deciding to live on Earth. And just in case you haven’t fallen asleep yet, there is plenty of soft-jazz in the credit sequence!
DVD Dump Counter:
-1 alien pregnancy.
-7 moments of Jesse Ventura narration.
-5 rounds of Jesse Ventura versus Sven-Ole Thorsen
-2 hostage situations.
-1 car chase.
-3 foot chases.
-1 shower scene.
-2 annoying computer voices.
RATING: C-Movie
Abraxas has that odd balance between being ridiculously stupid and mind-numbingly boring. It’s like a movie with mood swings. If you’re pumped with caffeine and in that goofy mood for some bad science fiction, you could have a good time with Abraxas. Just make sure you’re awake for it.
