The DVD Dump

This weekend marks the release of another movie based on a video game, Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li. And while I haven’t seen it yet, the reviews have all been negative. If you don’t believe me, take a swing over to rottentomatoes.com where the film has a 0% from critics. This just reaffirms my position that movies based on video games SUCK. And just to make my point clear, here is a list of ten of the worst movies ever made based on a video game.

10. Wing Commander

This movie has no excuse considering it was directed by the original video game creator. This is precisely why video games should not be made into movies. Also, what’s up with turning gravity on and off outside in space? The movie could not have been THAT under budget. Also, BOOOOOOOOOORING!

9. Max Payne

Standard dopey action movie with ridiculous dialogue and an even more ridiculous story.

8. Resident Evil

Now, I can understand changing material from the game considering the video game itself mostly involved running around a mansion opening doors. So it would make sense taking the approach of a zombie action movie. Unfortunately, its severely stock. It does all the same tricks I’ve seen a million times done a million times better in other action movies. And it’s not like we have a lack of zombie movies in this day and age. We have 28 Days Later, 28 Weeks Later, Dawn of the Dead, Land of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and even a glut of direct-to-video zombie movies that are much better than this dreck.

7. Mortal Kombat: Anihilation

Mortal Kombat was actually a decent movie, but this sequel is poorly recast and has incredibly terrible below-average special effects and CGI that makes claymation look better.

6. Double Dragon

A dorky movie about two guys who fight worse guys. Also, one of them destroys a Double Dragon arcade game. AHAHAHAHA! They’re referencing the video game in the movie! That is so funny!

5. Blood Rayne

Take a look at the trailer and tell me this doesn’t look like a direct-to-video movie.

4. Alone in the Dark

Don’t be fooled by the amount of gunfire and the rocking Disturbed soundtrack. This is more crap from Uwe Boll (Blood Rayne).

3. Doom

Seriously? A movie based on shooting demons from hell on Mars? It sounds like it could’ve worked, but, honestly, if you’re going to have it take place on Mars, make it look like Mars and not just random coordiors. Also, don’t try filming in the first person perspective with the gun on the screen. Its amatuer and just makes you wish you were playing the game instead of watching this horrible movie.

2. Super Mario Brothers

Anybody who claims that this movie wasn’t that bad obviously hasn’t seen it since their childhood. And if you have seen it recently and still like it, there is something seriously wrong with you. Super Mario Brothers tries to put logical reasoning behind two plumbers saving a princess in a dinosaur world. Do I really need to know this or care? Its a simple run-and-jump platform game! There shouldn’t be a movie based on that!

1. House of the Dead

Yes, its another zombie shoot ‘em up game turned movie. But what makes this one worse than Resident Evil or Doom? I place House of the Dead in the #1 slot for one specific reason: this movie inserts ACTUAL gameplay footage into the action scenes. It wouldn’t have bothered me as much if the graphics synced up with the movie, but they don’t. This is just shameless marketing. The movie itself, outside of the marketing gimick, is horrible as the action scenes do nothing more than overuse slow motion and 360 degree turnaround shots.

It’s another Friday and that means new movies hit the theaters. Do you feel that you’d like to see these new movie, but find it too much of a hassle to go to theater what with ticket prices? Do you hate the new movies that are currently out and you just want to watch something better? Allow me to make some DVD Dump recommendations to please all you couch potatoes out there (no offense, couch potatoes). This time I’ve gone the extra mile in addition to recommending what to watch I have also listed what NOT to watch.

Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Film: Wow, I’ve never heard of a more base title for a film. It’s not Jonas Brothers The Experience or Journey with the Jonas Brothers; just Jonas Brothers 3-D Concert Film. If you’ve never heard of them, they are the new concert idol group that’ll be a hit with the tweens for another 15 minutes. Something tells me this won’t exactly be memorable film years from now. But I do believe its going to make an unbelievable amount of money this weekend. You can bet on that and then you’ll bigger amount of money as well

Instead, watch… Rolling Stone’s Shine a Light: THIS is a concert film. The Rolling Stones are pretty awesome, but when they have a concert directed by Martin Scorcese, that just makes it perfect. This is THE live concert movie.

DO NOT WATCH… Hanna Montana in Best of Both Worlds: It’s more of the same like the Jonas Brothers concert movie and nobody should ever have to suffer watching BOTH of these movie.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Another video game movie. The only difference is that this one is all about a sexy female so it has potential to succeed in the ‘hot chick’ category of action films. Other than that, nothing interesting here.

Instead, watch… Mortal Kombat: If you want to see one of the rarest forms of film, a decent video game movie, Mortal Kombat is the way to go. This movie succeeded where others do not because it has a good story and likable characters. Its not rocket science, Hollywood.

DO NOT WATCH… Street Fighter: Yep, it received a re-release in the form of a new EXTREME edition. Unless you are in the mood for a REAL dopey action movie, I would not recommend watching this movie.

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

Starring John Vernon (Animal House)

 

It should come as no surprise that the majority of people are scared by clowns. So, naturally, it’s not too hard to make a scary horror movie about clowns. However, Killer Klowns from Outer Space goes the extra mile. The three Chiodo brothers behind this film realize that if you’re going to make a movie about murderous clowns, make sure they are extra creepy and play up the clown angle in their kills. Oh and they’re aliens, too.

 

A bunch of horny teens make out at the local park-and-poke when a comet passes over them. Grant and Suzanne decide to go check out where it landed and happen upon a circus tent. But not before a redneck messes with it first played by Royal Dano, who would later play ANOTHER alien spotting farmer in Spaced Invaders two years later. They enter out of curiosity and discover giant bulbs of hanging cotton candy with a big twist; IT’S PEOPLE! After running into a couple of murderous alien clowns, they escape the ship and head to the police station to inform the local authorities of these events. Naturally, there is one tough old police chief, Curtis Mooney (John Vernon), who doesn’t buy their story for one second, and one young rookie cop, Dave Hanson, who is slightly hesitant to the idea. Meanwhile, the clowns go on a hilarious rampage of turning people into cotton candy and just plain killing them. What is their true purpose for stopping on Earth? I don’t really know or care why. The whole movie is just an excuse for creepy clowns to kill people in a humorous fashion.

 

 

The designs of the clowns themselves are quite brilliant. They appear as looming giants with wrinkly faces and bad dental hygiene. Think of them as the inbred cousins of the clown from Stephen King’s It. They even come across as real scary threats in more than just their appearance. There is a scene where a little girl is almost killed by one as the clown slowly leads her out to smash her skull in with a hammer. The kills are quite good ranging from boxing decapitation, to an invisible car chase, to ventriloquism. In addition to the comedic kills is a host of comedic characters with corny dialogue. Obviously, the most capable actor in the bunch is John Vernon as the police chief, but his character is also one of the cockiest as he doesn’t buy into the whole killer clown story. Even when he receives several 911 calls about them, he STILL refuses to acknowledge them as a real threat. The other characters are forced to spew out some pure cornball gold of dialogue that enhance comedy element of the movie.

 

It should also be worth noting that special effects are quite incredible considering the budget of the movie. Many of the clowns’ more elaborate kills involving shadow puppets and invisible cars look about as high quality as any other movie of 1988. Everything from the spinning circus tent spaceship to the elaborate death of the clowns is done with such love for the craft that it makes you wish there were more movies like this. I know there is a lot of fear about remakes and sequels, but I would be ecstatic if the Chiodo brothers returned for another Killer Klown movie without the use of CGI.

 

DVD Dump Counter

-2 bumbling horny ice-cream salesmen.

-1 redneck electrocuted.

-1 easily annoyed police chief.

-4 people zapped by ray guns turning them into cotton candy.

-1 act of punching a guy’s head off.

-1 car crash.

-1 group of people eaten by a shadow puppet.

-1 act of human ventriloquism.

-5 ‘clown snakes’.

-1 death by pie fight.

-2 sexy female clowns.

-1 giant monster clown.

-1 car explosion.

 

RATING: B-Movie

Killer Klowns from Outer Space balances a tight rope of being horrific and hilarious. For those who are still afraid of clowns, you’ll be terrified by this movie. For those are not afraid, you’ll get a kick out of the humor. So the movie can please anyone in the family.

UNKNOWN WORLD (1951)

Directed by Terry O. Morse (Godzilla: King of the Monsters)

There are sometimes in movies when you have to take certain liberties and suspend reality. Take Journey to the Center of the Earth for example. Its story is pure science fiction and isn’t very true to life. But what if it were true to life? Well, it wouldn’t be as exciting and that’s what Unknown World ends up being. However, it still has the imagination to suspend the belief that an underground drilling machine could run smoothly and carry several people.

As per usual with 1950’s science fiction, Earth faces the threat of nuclear war. Freaking out at the possibility, Doctor Jerimiah Morely heads an expedition via gigantic drill machine to find an underground environment for surviving a nuclear holocaust. But just to keep things interesting (or predictable) some investors come along for the ride to be annoying and cause conflict. Naturally, one or two of them die along the way to stress the dangers of the mission. As their oxygen and water runs low, the crew is forced to search the underground caves to survive.

The film is filled with lots of scientific talk about controlling the drill machine along with dull character developing dialogue. The cast is capable, but the story can’t keep up. The special effects are bare-bones, but more importantly, poorly edited. For instance when the drill machine is moving, you hear the sound that a drill would make, but the miniature model is being pulled rather poorly by a string causing the footage to not sync up. Are there any redeeming qualities about this film? Well, if you want to find a ‘fun’ way to teach students about caves, there are some educational (if not sophomoric) elements to the film. Not to mention the footage inside the caves are pretty interesting, but it just makes the miniature footage look twice as ridiculous and takes you out of the movie.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 atomic bomb stock footage reel.

-3 moments of narration.

-1 scene of pills for breakfast.

-3 scenes of a miniature drilling machine pulled via string.

-2 shirtless men pounding on rock with sledgehammers.

-1 falling-off-a-cliff death.

-1 volcanic apocalypse

-1 drowned-in-a-flood death.

RATING: C-Movie

Even though it’s a work of fiction, Unknown World has the same boredom level as an educational video in high school. However, just like an educational film, it holds SOME educational value. This could easily be one of those videos you show in classroom and discuss what is factual and what is science fiction.

Another week, another batch of direct-to-video and low-budget movies released on DVD. Pretty slow day, but there are a few surprises.

Cyclops

Synopsis: Eric Roberts plays a corrupt Emperor Tiberius who forces his general, Marcus, to take on and destroy the cyclops monster. But an unlikely friendship with the cyclops leads to taking down the corrupt emperor.

Extreme Movie

Synopsis: Another rehash in the low-quality satire comedy genre (Date Movie, Epic Movie, Disaster Movie). Could easily be called Not Another Teen Movie 2. Or Not Yet Another Teen Movie. Why it’s called Extreme Movie is beyond me.

Frame of Mind

Synopsis: When detective David Secca discovers a small piece of film in an antique music box, he unravels evidence of conspiracy behind one of history’s most defining moments—John F. Kennedy’s assassination.

Freezer Burn: The Invasion of Laxdale

Synopsis: In the small town of Laxdale, former pro hockey player Bill Swanson and local waitress Gina Larson believe that some mysterious crop circles are connected to a group of “foreign investors” who have purchased the local granary. When a dead body turns up and it’s not human, Bill and Gina discover that these “off-worlders” are time-share developers who are planning to turn the earth into a Club Med for aliens. The duo must find a way to stop them before all humankind ends up working for minimum wage in the hospitality industry.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Futurama: Into the Wild Green Yonder

Synopsis: All the other galaxies will be green with envy! In this all-new Futurama extravaganza, mankind stands on the brink of a wondrous new Green Age. But ancient forces of darkness, three years older than time itself, have returned to wreak destruction. Even more shocking: Bender’s in love with a married fembot, and Leela’s on the run from the law – Zapp Brannigan’s law! Fry is the last hope of the universe… so if you’re in the universe, you might want to think about going somewhere else. Could this be the end of the Planet Express crew forever? Say it ain’t so, meatbag! Off we go, Into the Wild Green Yonder!

Lullaby

Synopsis: An American mother receives word that her drug addled son has been kidnapped by a drug lord operating in South Africa. She travels to South Africa to pay the ransom and save her son, only to run into violent and dangerous obstacles as she faces the kidnappers in the mean streets of Johannesburg. Her only chance to get her son back alive is to work with her son’s pregnant girlfriend who is fighting her own battle against the drug lord.

Mr. Average

Synopsis: An American mother receives word that her drug addled son has been kidnapped by a drug lord operating in South Africa. She travels to South Africa to pay the ransom and save her son, only to run into violent and dangerous obstacles as she faces the kidnappers in the mean streets of Johannesburg. Her only chance to get her son back alive is to work with her son’s pregnant girlfriend who is fighting her own battle against the drug lord.

Pirates: Stagnetti’s Revenge

Synopsis: To save Sarina from execution Captain Edwards and Jules accept a mission from the king to bring back a barbaric pirate. Along the way they discover the evil Pirates’ plans for resurrecting Victor Stagnetti. Unable to stop them, they are faced with Mayan dragons, warrior skeletons and sea monsters - with the final battle being fought on ships’ decks with swords and cannons.

Protégé

Synopsis: Protégé is the saga of a young cop infiltrating the deepest levels of a secret drug ring. He survives seven years of violent, nail-biting close calls, as he works his way from dealer to heir apparent. Every step consolidates his power and reveals another piece of his boss’s operations, bringing him closer to destroying a brutal heroin empire…or inheriting it.

Red Sands

Synopsis: Present-day Afghanistan. As continuing battles rage in the war-torn country, a unit of U.S. soldiers are dispatched to seize and control a strategic road that runs past an abandoned stone house. En route, the soldiers discover an ancient stone statue hidden deep within an ancient ravine. Using the relic for target practice, they destroy it, unwittingly releasing a vengeful supernatural force that is about to wage a horrifying war on them in this taut, action-packed, psychological thriller.

Retrograde

Synopsis: Dolph Lundgren leads an expedition back in time to prevent meteors from destroying the Earth with their deadly bacteria.

Scourge

Synopsis: A small town is attacked by a pestilience known as the Scourge. It’s up to some young heroes to stop it.

Strictly Sexual

Synopsis: If you could have sex with no strings attached, would you? Donna (Amber Benson) and Christi Ann (Kristen Kerr) try their best, with funny and heartbreaking results. Tired of dating and relationships, the daring women keep two young men in their pool house for strictly sexual purposes. Joe (Johann Urb) and Stanny (Stevie Long) are unemployed New York construction workers who have found themselves living with two beautiful and successful single women. But the hardest part about all that sex? Sometimes you find yourself falling in love. In the vein of “Sex And The City”, this film is directed by Independent Spirit Award winner (John Cassavettes Award) Joel Viertel, and written by Stevie Long, who also stars in this heartfelt, ensemble comedy about how sex and love can make us laugh and cry at the same time.

Summer Heights High

Synopsis: In this mockumentary series set in a real Australian high school, comedian Chris Lilley rings to life three hilarious characters: Jonah, a 13-year-old delinquent breakdancer from Tonga; Mr. G, an ego-driven drama teacher with delusional showbiz dreams; and Ja’mie, a spoiled private school girl on a student exchange.

The War Bride

Synopsis: She fought for love beyond the front lines…In war-torn London, Lily (Anna Friel – Pushing Daisies) tries her best to “keep her pecker up” and her spirits high. Falling in love with and marrying young Canadian soldier Charlie (Aden Young – The Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course), Lily gives birth to their daughter and joins scores of British war brides who sailed miles away to Canada to await their husbands’ returns from the war. Enduring hostile in-laws Betty (Brenda Fricker – A Time to Kill) and Sylvia (Molly Parker – Deadwood), culture shock and homesickness, Lily will brave a more painful challenge when Charlie comes home – a mere shadow of the man he used to be…

There are a lot of DVD boxed sets out there that either contain all or a portion of a series of movies. Sometimes I am pleased with complete sets if all or most of the movies on the set are awesome, but there are a lot of series out there where I really don’t feel like buying every movie in a series. Take note, distributors, I will buy these dream boxed sets.

Alien, The Directors Cut and Aliens: I don’t want to see Alien 3 or Alien Ressurection ever again or even recognize them as part of the series. There is even a set that includes all four of them plus Alien versus Predator 1&2. The big question here is why there isn’t a Predator box with AvP 1&2. The bigger question is who would buy a Predator boxed set when there are only two movies from that series (not including AvP).

Death Wish 1, 2 and 3: I can never find a complete enough Death Wish set. It’s either Death Wish 3-5 or Death Wish 2-4. But none of them ever have the original! I want a set with the original origin of the kick-butt vigilante as well 2 & 3, which were lesser sequals, but campy fun nonetheless.

Superman and Superman 2, The Richard Donner Cut: The only sets I can find of this now are the ones that contain Superman 1-4 (without the Richard Donner cut) or Superman 1-5. Can’t I just remember the saga for the two films that actually mattered before it go goofy and sentimental?

Peter Jackson’s Early Work (Bad Taste, Meet the Feebles, Brain Dead): Peter Jackson’s early work is some of the best gore-filled slapstick comedies ever made. For as popular as Peter Jackson is now, it’s a travesty these movies are not collected together in one complete box.

Night of the Living Dead, Dawn of the Dead, Day of the Dead, Land of the Dead, and Diary of the Dead: I know it’s a tall order and Diary of the Dead was fairly recent, but there seriously should be a boxed set for these quality zombie flicks. But George Romero has one more …of the Dead movie in the works, so maybe its a good idea to wait for it.

Well, my picks sure were off.

WORST PICTURE: The Love Guru

Wow. I heard this movie was bad, but THAT bad? Worse than the combined efforts of Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans? That’s saying something.

WORST ACTOR: Mike Myers for The Love Guru

That’s right, Mr. Myers. People are finally sick of your cute poop and penis jokes. It’s finally time to get off that gravy train and act like a real actor again.

WORST ACTRESS: Paris Hilton for The Hottie and the Nottie

I couldn’t agree more. Paris Hilton should never be considered the lead actress in any movie even if it is one catering to her interests.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Pierce Brosnan for Mamma Mia

How could a former James Bond actor go so wrong? If you are in a musical and you can’t sing, you’re in trouble. Come on, Pierce, you’re a good actor just stay the heck away from musicals.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Paris Hilton for Repo! The Genetic Opera

From what I’ve heard, the movies is actually pretty good, but I guess were just not done yet with hating on Paris Hilton.

WORST SCREEN COUPLE: Paris Hilton and either Christine Lakin or Jorel David Moore for The Hottie and the Nottie

The lesson here is that Paris Hilton is Razzie gold.

WORST PREQUEL, SEQUEL, RIP-OFF OR REMAKE: Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Crystal Skull

Wait, this one didn’t go to the combined efforts of Disaster Movie and the Meet the Spartans. That is pure BS! Granted, it was not the greatest Indiana Jones it could’ve been, but, seriously, are the Razzies just ignoring the cinematic abortions of Disaster Movie and the Meet the Spartans?

WORST DIRECTOR: Uwe Boll for Tunnel Rats, In the Name of the King, Postal

Congratulations, Mr. Boll. Your legacy is intact as the worst director of the 21st century.

WORST SCREENPLAY: Mike Myers and Graham Gordy for The Love Guru

I’m sorry, Mr. Myers, but you just can’t write even with help.

WORST CARREER ACHIEVEMENT: Uwe Boll, Germany’s answer to Ed Wood.

Congratulations, once again, Mr. Boll. Nobody can make a bad movie like you. When are going to fight the Razzies staff in the boxing ring for this attack on your character?

So I have one big problem with the Razzies this year. There wasn’t one win for Disaster Movie and Meet the Spartans which were COMBINED for just about every category. Seriously, the guys behind these movies are lazy, unfunny writers who believe they are funny and keep making these horrible ‘parodies’. And, yes, I think they are far worse than Uwe Boll. They’re relatively new to the scene, but just you wait. There will come a day when they will sweep the Razzies (if they ever make another movie which I’m hoping they won’t). Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it’s a good thing they didn’t win. Maybe their careers in movie-making will end when we finally forget about them. When you think about it, the Razzies are still recognizing Uwe Boll and Paris Hilton and they’ll probably get more awards in the future.

This is a new segment I’m trying out where I list movies you can find on DVD that are either better or a suitable substitute to movies currently in theaters. So if you don’t feel like going out to the theater, try these suggestions.

Madea Goes to Jail: Tyler Perry plays an old, wise-cracking black lady who ends up going to prison for a few laughs and some sappy melodrama of the Christian variety.

Instead, watch…Ernest Goes to Jail: I honestly can’t think of any other movie that made jail so appealing. Maybe the Blues Brothers, but they never got the electric chair and went on an electricity monster rampage.

Fired Up: Two football players decide to join the cheerleading squad to get close to girls. How much you want to bet they learn to love the craft?

Instead, watch…Cheerleader Camp: I know, its a horror not a comedy, but if you’re going to watch a cheerleader movie, it might as well hold your interest.

Friday the 13th (2009): Jason Vorhese seeks vengence on negligent camp counselors by chopping them up with a machete once again.

Instead watch…Friday the 13th (1980): This is a no-brainer. The original is clearly the best and puts in far more story than the reboot. Its a true mystery horror classic and fun to follow up until about the fourth movie.

Taken: Liam Nieson is a loving father, but when is daughter is kidnapped in France, he turns into a kick-butt, take no prisoners, tough as nails hero.

Instead watch…Death Wish: The classic get-revenge-for-my-family-by-turning-vigilante movie that started it all. I highly recommend you see Taken, but if you’re looking for more afterwords or want an idea of what you’re in for, Death Wish is just as awesome. Just don’t venture into the sequels where it gets goofy.

I can’t even believe I just wrote that title. I’m not saying I like Tyler Perry movies nor will I defend them as underrated comedies. I have nothing against his movies, but they are just not for me. But think about this. The guy writes and directs about 2-3 movies a year, he makes them on the cheap, rarely advertises and makes bank. This guy could be the next Roger Corman, only more wholesome.

Tyler Perry started off producing and directing his own plays in Atlanta and ended up adpating the plays into movies. His stories mostly involve melodrama involving Christianity in some way with shades of comedy added in the form of Madea, the fat black character Tyler Perry plays in almost all of his movies.  His first movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, was produced for about 5.5 million dollars (extremely low budget for a Hollywood movie). The critics hated it, but the movie made over 50 million dollars at the box-office. Perry continued with adapting his other plays and although the profits have slowly lowered, they still make a profit. He owns all of the rights to his movies through Lions Gate and has opened up his own studio, Tyler Perry Studios, the first African-American owned film studio. He also has his own TV series, House of Payne. This in addition to his sold-out plays and DVDs makes him one of the big names in Hollywood.

What is my point with all of this? My points is that Tyler Perry has a made a name for himself by catering to his audience and making a mint while doing so. And he enjoys doing it without conforming to what Hollywood would typically demand from an African-American movies (rap, drugs, gangsters). Considering this guy had a bad childhood and use to work dead-end jobs, I’d say his story is pretty inspiring. Now, I’m not saying his movies are something to be studied, but rather the method in which his movies made Perry rise to fame. Anybody seeking to make it big in film should take note of Mr. Perry, not for his content, but his drive. And maybe someday you too could end up playing the President of Starfleet in the next Star Trek movie.

Oh, boy, its Academy Award time! Its time for an elaborate and overdone ceremony where Hollywood pats themselves on the back. The Oscars are awarded to the best movies of the year based on specific or all the elements of filmmaking. At least, that’s what everybody thinks.

But wait, where is The Dark Knight? Sure, it’s getting nominated for the technical awards it deserves as well one supporting role, but why no Best Picture nomination? Simple: the Academy doesn’t want it. For the technical awards (cinemtography, visual effects), the movies that are great get what they deserve in that category, but when it comes to everthing else, the awards are biased. Perfect example was the 2006 Oscars for Best Animated Film and Best Documentary. The nominations for Best Animated Film that year were Cars, Monster House, and Happy Feet. Now, I was studying animation at the time and I was sure it was between Cars and Monster House. Both of those movies did something new and interesting with animation technically and story-wise. But the award went to Happy Feet. Why? Well, in the third act of Happy Feet, the movie broke down into an environmental message OUT OF NOWHERE! It was that forced message that won it the Oscar. Don’t believe me? Not much later after that movie recieved the award, Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio walk out on stage and talk about going green. Keep in mind this was BEFORE the award for Best Documentary was given to Al Gore for An Inconvenient Truth. I’m not trying to hate on Al Gore, but when you’re judging a movie based more on its message than it being a well-made and entertaining movie, that ain’t right.

I was recently talking with some people about the nominations this year for Best Animated Picture which are Kung-Fu Panda, Bolt, and Wall-E. My friends in the animation industry believe that Kung-Fu Panda will win because of its unique art style. However, Wall-E comes with the environmental message thus guranteeing it the Oscar. If the Oscars are truly judged on perfection and uniquness in the craft of filmmaking, Kung-Fu Panda will win. But, as of right now and based on the trends I’ve seen in the past, Wall-E is the safe bet because it caters to the whole ‘go-green’ theme the Academy loves to embrace along with charities and bashing Republicans.

But, still, why no Dark Knight for best picture? A couple of reasons:

1. It’s not heart-warming or based on true events/novels.

2. None of the characters are gay, racist or dying of cancer.

3. Christian Bale is not an Oscar-caliber actor (even I don’t know what that means).

Don’t get me wrong, I love The Dark Knight and I, like many, thought it was the best movie of 2008. But is winning an Oscar really going to make people take comic book movies seriously? Is it going to make the movie any better or highly regarded? Will anyone even give a crap? Look, years from now, people will still remember The Dark Knight as a perfect action film, despite not winning Best Picture. I mean, can you honestly name the Best Picture winners of the past twenty years? Oscars mean nothing other than an extra quote to put on the DVD packaging.

So, yeah, I won’t be watching the Academy Awards. I’ll look at the technical awards list the day after, but I really don’t have any interest in terms of Best Picture and Best Actor or the ceremony itself. Even with the obvious winner for Supporting Actor, Heath Ledger as the Joker, I really don’t care considering there will be at least two retrospectives on the man. And I’ve already seen about a billion of them before The Dark Knight even came out. Also, where is the love for Sydney Pollock and Stan Winston? They’ve done more for the film industry than Ledger ever did. And if you don’t know who those two people are, you don’t know jack about film.