The DVD Dump

MY NAME IS BRUCE (2007)

Starring and Directed by Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead)

For many B-horror fans, Bruce Campbell has always appeared as the charming big-chinned hero of the genre. Whether he was killing zombies, aliens, mummies, or gypsies, Bruce did it with class and style. But as time has gone by, Campbell’s choice in movie roles has become less than stellar compared to the glory days of the Evil Dead trilogy. However, before he joins the ranks of Steven Segal and Chuck Norris, Bruce takes a step back to direct a parody of himself and what he may become.

Unlike his previous movies where Bruce has appeared as the charmingly macho hero, My Name is Bruce portrays Campbell as a boozing low-life. And not the charming type of boozing low-life; he really goes out of his way to make himself almost completely unlikable in the vain of Bad Santa. And yet there is sill something still charming about that as well. The movie takes place in Gold Lick, Oregon where a graveyard of Chinese railroad workers holds the mythical monster, Guan Di. When some horny teens steal the sacred emblem that keeps Guan Di sealed, the evil Chinese monster is unleashed on the town. According to the movie’s legend on this monster, he is the guardian of bean curd and takes revenge on the white people whose ancestors did not save the Chinese workers from death. As far as movie monsters go, Guan Di isn’t very threatening in the fact that all he really does is swing a giant blade. But he rarely ever misses. Every time Guan Di swings that blade, he cuts something off and it’s usually a head. The sole survivor of Guan Di’s introductory assault on some horny teens is Jeff, an obsessed fan of Bruce Campbell. So obsessed in fact that he actually believes Bruce Campbell can save his town from Guan Di.

So after an unsuccessful pitch from Jeff to Bruce for him to save his town, his plan B is to knock Bruce out and kidnap him. How a cute plea for help turned into breaking the law so fast just astounds me. Once Bruce is brought to Gold Lick, he is convinced that this is actually a movie setup by his agent and attempts to play the part of the hero while still complaining as if he were on a set. Of course, Bruce takes advantage of the small town by acting like a charming, but aged, jerk. But once Bruce witnesses Guan Di smashing somebody’s head in with his blade, Bruce not only comes to his senses, but turns into the biggest jerk ever while fleeing the scene. How big of a jerk? He accidentally shoots a couple of people and steals a car from an old lady while tossing her kenneled cat out the window. As expected, Bruce has the moment of realization where he has to go back and save his biggest fan Jeff. However, it doesn’t exactly mean that Bruce learns a lesson to turn his life around. Instead he uses a tad of common sense when he goes into hero mode. And the ending, while appears expected, is saved by two much better false endings.

Make no mistake, however, My Name is Bruce is not a perfect movie. There are a few plot points that are a tad farfetched such as how Jeff resorts to kidnapping Bruce or how the town actually believes this guy will save them all. The acting is typical of B-movies and TV movies. Some actors are decent, others try to hard. The stand-out actor here is clearly Ted Raimi who plays the roles of Bruce’s agent, the Gold Lick sign painter, and the crazy old Chinese man. Ted doesn’t really melt into these roles, but he plays them with enough glee to make you smile. Many may be displeased by Campbell’s performance as a jerk, but I thought he did great job at portraying an aging actor turned douche-bag. I’m so use to seeing him as the charming hero that watching him booze it up in a trailer while he wallows in his failures holds an interesting appeal. The most humorous part of the movie is undeniably the irony of Bruce’s real life acting career. The movie features Bruce starring in another made-for-TV sci-fi movie that seems so real it’s creepy. And when he is commissioned for two sequels to that movie, you really feel his pain. But also you laugh at the same time…while tears roll down my cheeks.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 severed hand

-4 scenes of the musical number based on the monster, Guan Di

-5 decapitations

-1 neck slashed open

-1 bad movie parody

-1 scene of drinking urine

-1 scene of drinking alcohol out of a dog bowl

-1 blade to the head

-1 transvestite prostitute

-3 characters played by Ted Raimi

-1 cat inside a kennel tossed out a moving car

-3 times Bruce grabs a woman’s butt

-2 fake endings

RATING: B-Movie

Despite its low-budget and actor limitations, My Name is Bruce is delightful surprise. The monster is pretty cool, the comedy has more hits than misses, and it’s Bruce-freaking-Campbell in a movie he directed. However, if you’ve never seen a Bruce Campbell movie, chances are you’re really not going to like the guy in this movie. It’s more-or-less a Campbell fan movie.

Big Stan

Rob Schneider trains with David Carradine to bulk up for prison and salvage what’s left of his acting career.

The Cake Eaters

Good old fashioned romantic country girl angst starring the emo-chick from Twilight.

Columbus Day

Val Kilmer dawns a beard to take on a heist gone wrong. Act now and recieve a free black kid for comic relief.

Every Second Counts

Looking for a good father-daughter sports drama? Sorry, all I could find was a father-daughter rodeo drama.

Fling

Brandon Routh hangs up his Superman cape to star in a steamy romance movie. Insert Superman sex joke here.

Gardens of the Night

Tom Arnold is no longer the light-comedic actor, but the creepy the uncle who kidnaps kids. Goodbye talkshows, hello Lifetime movies!

Happily N’ever After 2: Snow White

That’s the title? No pun like Snow Problem White? Just because your animated movie goes directly to DVD doesn’t mean you can be lazy.

Locusts: The 8th Plague

I can always count on Sci-Fi Channel to release TV movies that bit off more than they can chew. And a movie about locusts? You can almost see the cheap CGI in your mind.

Moscow Chill

A hardcore action packed movie about a hacker? You’re about a decade too late for that plot.

New York City Serenade

Freddie Prince Jr. and Chris Klien play aspiring filmmakers who end up fighting over a woman and dealing with the real world. What a fantasy. Real filmmakers don’t get the girls, let alone one to fight over. Only actors like Freddie Prince Jr. and Chris Klien could score chicks this hot.

Outrighteous

Two black girls fight over a black guy. Not much more to it than that. I’d say comedy ensues, but I didn’t see any in the trailer.

Ready or Not

Four college buddies on a Vegas batchelor party end up in Mexico where a road trip plot follows.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Watchmen: Tales of the Black Freighter

If you’re still not sick of Watchmen in the three weeks since it’s release, here is some more on DVD! This DVD focuses on the comic story within the Watchmen comic and the fictional superhero documentary book within the comic. Keep an eye out next week for the spin-off series based on the characters within the fictional book within the movie within the comic.

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DARK FIELDS (2006)

Starring writer/director Al Randall as Farmer Brown

I don’t expect too much from low-budget, direct-to-video movies. I’m not expecting incredible special effects, awesome explosions, or even Oscar-caliber acting. I don’t even expect a great soundtrack. I mean, in the end, it all comes down to the story. And if your story is just your run-of-the-mill sexy-teens-stranded-in-redneck-territory-who-get-murdered-by-rednecks movie, you have a movie like Dark Fields. And Dark Fields is just plain awful. This is one of the ‘Don’t’ movies you’d show in filmmaking school.

After some brilliant cutting between a teenage girl dressing and a farmer cutting off a chicken’s head, the opening credits appear typed in the ‘chiller’ font perfectly setting the mood (trying to be scary, but looks stupid). Later on at what I assume is a school, though it’s hard to tell from the conference room atmosphere of the classroom, a bunch of teenagers meet in the hallway of exposition. A group of teens who don’t really like each other hitch a ride to a concert because one of them has access to a car. The scene in the hallways serves as an example of how awful these teenagers are as actors. It doesn’t help either that the dull hum of the florescent lighting is ever present in the scene. I guess it could be passed off as music. While the teenagers under-act in the hallway, they OVER-act in the car. What was once playful and stupid banter between the groups somehow morphed into pure overreacting anger. After a couple of poop and piss jokes in the car, the stupid teenagers realize they are lost and out of gas. Lost in the middle of nowhere, they stumbled onto a farm to find some gas or a phone or somebody or just wander around and crack poorly written jokes.

After wandering around the farmer’s house to discover nothing (and do nothing other than pretend that they’re funny), they move their Scooby Doo adventure out to the barn. The comedy continues along with some poorly directed jump-moments which are impossible to screw up in horror movies, but Dark Fields found a way. And, seriously, this movie spends WAY too much time trying to convince the audience that these people are funny. Sure, you have to do that in a horror movie so that when the blood starts gushing it actually means something, but for 20 minutes!? There are a lot of horror movies out there where you wish the stupid wanderers would get their guts ripped out and shown to them, but this is that ultimate type of horror movie. The first kill is just ridiculous as prissy girl and comedy boy notice the lights go on by themselves. Thinking it is a joke, the joker of the group sticks his hand into a thresher to proof a point that it’s one of their friends working the machine. Even it was one of them, why would you stick your hand in a thresher?

Meanwhile the jock and the unsure girl get it on in a hay stack while rambling rock music plays in the background. And by background, I mean it sounds like the music is coming from another room. I forgot to mention that in addition to the low-quality camera and set design, the soundtrack sounds like it is either at a low volume or recorded off the radio. However, the music isn’t really that interesting to listen to so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. After the two teens finish up their nudity-free sex session, they have some poorly acted drama between each other and continue the search for gas. The movie frequently cuts back to the lone prissy girl aimlessly wandering around the barn. Once the jock and the unsure girl find some tools, some long-haired guy stabs the jock. And I was just starting to get to get to know him; maybe even form a Jar-Jar Binks hatred for him. So now the movie leaves us with high school girls. After running back into the house because they assume it’s the safest place, they discover newspaper clippings explaining why the Brown family who lives here don’t take kindly to strangers. They hitch a ride with a local pick-up truck driver. But once they see blood on his shoes, they freak out and start screaming and flailing their arms at the driver. Even when they try to escape the kind old truck drivers tries to help them open the door to get out, but they keep screaming and swatting at him. And even after he explains that he works at a slaughter house, they are STILL freaking out at him. Too late for apologies now as the driver is killed by the long-haired killer. That man died with his last thought being how incredibly moronic and overreacting teenage girls can be.

Yet another house appears for the teenagers to break into. Of course, the killer is waiting right outside and the girls start screaming at the top of their lungs. It’s no wonder the long-haired dude wants these kids dead. And even though I really haven’t seen much of him the whole movie, I begin to sympathize with him as a character. And now the girls have ventured into the slaughter house. I know the last few places didn’t seem save, but surely an abattoir will be a save haven. The killer shows up again and we see just how quick with the draw he is at murdering teenagers. This guy makes the old fashioned zombies from Night of the Living Dead look like track runners. He wanders around killing people at a stoner’s pace while exerting a minimal amount of force to get through doors. However, you really don’t have to try hard with these girls. Even with knifes and sharp hooks to hit the killer with, these girls spend most of their time missing or forgetting about attacking the killer. And, I swear, they must’ve been knocked unconscious or pretend to be unconscious at least three times during the fight. After the killer takes a brutal beating, he is finally killed and the rock music plays signaling the end of the movie. I can only assume that the killer was the legendary Farmer Brown as his character is in the credits, but it is never really explained (just assumed). What actually happened to the rest of the Brown family? And did the girls ever make it to the concert? So many questions are left unanswered. Could this mean a sequel? There is one question I want left unanswered.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 shower scene

-1 chicken decapitated

-1 butt-cheek mooning

-1 rock and roll teenage montage

-1 fart joke

-1 Sesame Street joke

-1 fake-out sex scene

-1 real sex scene

-1 hand cut up in a thresher

-1 jock stabbed in the chest

-1 pick-up truck driver murdered

-1 flashlight to the head

-1 punch to the killer’s balls

-1 stab to the killer’s chest

-1 slaughter house gun to the face

RATING: Z-Movie

With a running time of only 80 minutes, Dark Fields may seem like a short movie, but its horrible acting, piss-poor camera work, and amateur soundtrack somehow bends the fabric of time turning this into an eternity of low-budget, low-effort horror. And that in itself is far more terrifying than anything in this movie.

Afro Ninja Destiny

Remember that dirt old internet video of the black guy who couldn’t quite do a flip? Well, now he has his own movie. Yes, it seems that YouTube-ry has spilled into the DTV market. Still waiting for that Star Wars Kid movie though.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Chrysalis

If the Six Million Dollar Man and Blade Runner had a baby, it would be this movie. But since it wasn’t released theatrically, it was probably picked on by it’s big brothers Total Recall and Minority Report. What am I writing about?

Dark Reprieve

Two people wake up in an old and shut down prison not knowing why they are in such a place. Horror and terror soon follow. So, it’s kind of like Saw except…Saw had a bigger budget?

Kill Zone

Fugitive Prescott Roeh is hoping to make ammense for his horrible crimes. But not everybody is ready to accept him. What will happen when he if forced to live with his mother-in-law in the form of a talking dog? Okay, I made that last part up. I write something in there to jazz it up.

The Life of Lucky Cucumber

What started as a hokey plot for two filmmakers to follow around an uncommonly lucky fellow turns into a buddy comedy with drug addicts and mental patients thrown in for comic relief.

Lost Souls

Three girls must defeat the evil human smuggler Mr. Hok. As you might have guessed from the trailer, this is good old fashioned exploitation.

My Zinc Bed

Alcoholism has never been more erotic. Well, Uma Thurman helps as well.

Rappas

Nothing could be more funny the world of amatuer rap artists. Thank goodness we still have movies that aren’t afraid to crack jokes about how white people can’t rap. I was beginning to think we were still afraid to say it.

Return of the Outlaws

It’s one small-town sherrif against a gang of outlaws. I really wish there were a better way to explain the plot than that.

Revenge of the Boarding School Dropouts

Tom Green and Dave England continues to ride the coattails of Jackass fame by starring in a movie about how fame can go to your head. The irony is incredible.

Walled In

As Sam Walczak supervises the demolision of an old building, she soon learns of the horrible past behind the building and accepting her dark past relating to the building in order to surviv-WAIT, this is House on Haunted Hill isn’t it?

WE ARE WIZARDS (2008)

A documentary on Harry Potter fans

I was never big into the Harry Potter books, but I’ve enjoyed the movie adaptations as time has gone by. Yeah, I know, I should really read the books. Everybody keeps telling me that even though they make a lame argument for me to do so. I don’t hate the books; I just have no desire to read the Harry Potter series considering the length of the series and I’m not a huge fan of the franchise. However, I would be open to viewing a documentary on Potter fandom in hopes that it would interest me enough to read the books.

We Are Wizards is not that movie. In fact, this is the exact opposite kind of documentary you’d want to make to get people interested in Harry Potter. The movie depicts Harry Potter fans as over-obsessed (and sometimes borderline depressive) geeks. Now, there is nothing wrong with being a geek. I’m a movie geek myself. But most of these people are just super sad and have nothing interesting to say about Harry Potter that hasn’t been said already. Sure, there are some cute moments like a family of children who become more creative through Harry Potter, but that’s one element among a whole bunch of sob stories and taking fandom into areas that don’t even make sense. One guy in particular reads Harry Potter in an intentional (or unintentional, I’m not sure) nerdy voice and draws low-quality fan-art. Later, the film follows him to a video store where he buys some VHS tape and goes on about how Warner Brothers is trying to screw him. Why is this important to the film? You tell me. Seriously, I want to know, WHY is this important footage?

The majority of the movie focuses on musicians whose music is based on Harry Potter. The bands are okay, but, honestly, fan-bands? That’s a level of fandom that even Trekkies would back away from. In terms of the topics covered, a big one is the boycott of Warner Brothers when they decided to sue fan-sites and fan-movies in what would be called Potter War. According to the fans in the movie, Warner Brothers is the big evil Nazis in this ‘Potter War’ and the fans are the Americans coming to aid the English. Meanwhile, the creepy fan-art guy is making creepy fan-cartoons that appeal to no one. And, boy, does he like to cuss. For a movie entirely about the Harry Potter fans, it really doesn’t paint a pretty picture of them. Naturally, the movie focuses on more their actual life than their fandom, but their actual lives seem so depressing and one-track. It’s almost like witnessing the aftermath of a hurricane.

RATING: C-Movie

After watching this movie, I really don’t want to be a hardcore Harry Potter fan. I don’t want to read the books, I don’t want to attend Potter conventions, nor do I ever want to attend a Harry Potter inspired concert. It’s not a horrible movie as a documentary considering it’s well-edited and well-shot. But the film really doesn’t show how the story of Harry Potter itself has affected these fans, but rather how fan-made activities control their lives. I know they probably don’t, but that is the impression the movie gives off.

POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD (2006)

Written and Directed by Lloyd Kaufman (The Toxic Avenger)

Try as big-budget Hollywood movies may, they’ll never grasp the low-brow aspects of trashy low-budget cinema. It takes a special kind of film not bound by studio head demands and a willingness to not play favorites with offensiveness. Poultrygeist is one of those few movies that tears down the barriers and offends everybody, relentlessly and without apology. And there are musical numbers!

The story is simple enough and merely an excuse for some creative/disgusting kills. A sexually confused male teenager named Arbie is trying to win back Wendy, the love of his life turned lesbian. Believing a job will redeem his love life, he seeks a job at the newly opened American Chicken Bunker. While working at the restaurant, he meets a slew of employees ripe for humor and named after different foods/food establishments. There is Denny, the black guy rebelling against whitey, Carl Junior, the redneck chicken fornicator, Humus, the female Muslim who soon turns terrorist, Jose Paco Bell, a rebellious Latino who believes masturbating in the meat grinder sends out a message, and a future version of Arbie called…Arbie. Also, the head of the company, General Lee Roy, makes an appearance and looks exactly like another famous chicken franchise owner. When a bad shipment of eggs makes it’s way into the store, people start vomiting and pooping all over the place. This eventually leads to an outbreak of chicken zombies.

Poultrygeist is a disgusting movie and I mean that in the best possible way. Never before have I seen such combination of vomit, poop, gore, blood and green blood. But what separates this film from others that contain vomit, poop, gore, blood and green blood is that the script is brilliant. While the film does have an underlying message of the hypocrisies in both fast food and peaceful protests, it has a brain that isn’t afraid to break the fourth wall. In fact, it’s not afraid of anything. If it’s tasteless, sexist, racist, and disgusting, you can bet it’s in this movie.

The kills themselves are awesome. Ranging from the outrageous (zombie chicken bites a man’s genitals forcing an employee to shove a broom up his ass to get him off) to the creative (zombie chickens cut up human flesh to serve in buckets), all of them are done with quality and comedy. As I mentioned earlier, there are musical numbers in this movie. All of them are sensational with incredibly hilarious lyrics fitting in with the story. Not since Cannibal the Musical has Troma produced such a finely produced musical. My only gripe about this movie is that because it goes so over-the-top in the humor and the disgusting, many people won’t watch it. That’s a really shame since I consider this to be the king of low-budget horror comedies. Of course, I can understand why it wasn’t distributed to all theaters nation wide. If it got that kind of exposure, there would be a field day with…well, just about every social organization.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 fingered butt

-1 fist through the butt

-5 musical numbers

-1 body in a meat grinder

-1 body in a meat slicer

-2 men in skirts

-1 talking sloppy joe

-1 pole through the butt

-3 sex scenes

-1 face torn off

-1 head bitten off

-1 head pulled off

-1 head severed

-1 penis bitten by zombie chicken

-1 face deep-fried

-1 pair of testicles deep-fried

-1 scene of explosive poop

-2 breast implants removed

-3 limbs cut off

-1 human turned egg

-1 overdose of steroids

-1 head crushed via chicken monster

-1 nose bitten off

-2 explosions

-1 car crash

RATING: B-Movie

If you have a taste for the tasteless and an iron stomach, Poultrygeist is easily one of the best movies in the horror-comedy genre. As a fan of over-the-top horror, I enjoyed this movie. But be warned, this movie is guaranteed to offend religious Muslims, fat people, Christians, Jews, women, gays, and pretty much anybody who faints at the slightest drop of blood.

The longest part-time job I ever had was working at a video store. The pay was horrible, the hours were horrible, but the job itself had some non-financial advantages (and disadvantages). For instance, it was there that I gained my love for bad movies. Along with acquiring a taste for the awful, I could also rent movies for free which sort of paid off in the long run. In addition, I learned this useless information:

-Video stores sell used movie in bunches for cheap within about a month of them being released. This has saved me so much money in the past.

-People always want the biggest, dumbest movie on the shelf. I know that this is almost common knowledge, but you don’t understand the true extent of this until you’ve seen the amount of people who rent Delta Farce.

-Expired candy tastes just as fine and is free food.

-With the advent of Netflix and RedBox, the consumer base for a video store has dwindled down to the group who can’t figure out a computer or a kiosk. And judging how many people are in that group, video stores won’t go away for a long time.

-The screener DVD is dumb, pointless, and repetitive. Whenever the boss is out, I’d throw on a movie, but something PG so that if I were caught it wouldn’t be that bad.

-If your competitor store carries rental DVDs your’s doesn’t get from the studio, they just buy them from a retail store.

-When winter weather is horrible, people will still rent movies in much longer lines. Doesn’t that defeat the point of staying in and watching a movie?

-People will argue for hours about how they won’t pay late fees. And guess who takes the blame for it?

-No matter how many times you tell them no, no matter what signs you put up, people will always come in asking for pornography. For the last time, THEY DON’T HAVE ANY!

-If it’s a big new release that has just come out on DVD, it’s rented out. Even if you go to the store on the release date, it’s gone.

-Movies are cheaper to buy in the long run.

-Children’s DVDs are guarenteed to have atleast 10 fingerprints on the disc.

-Old people always think you are crazy or yelling at them when you are actually being helpful.

-Not every DVD is going to work on your dinky little $30 DVD player you bought at Wal-Mart.

-I am not your kid’s parent! Do some parenting and find out what they’re watching.

-No, Blu-Ray won’t work in your regular DVD player either. What did I just say!

-There is a reason you can’t rent movies if you have $40 in late fees.

-If I haven’t seen it, then I can’t really tell you anything about that movie.

-Yes, video games are expensive. What a shocker.

-Stand-ups are a ridicilous waste of space as if somebody is more likely to buy a movie based on a cardboard display.

-They never clean the bathroom. And if you’ve seen it, you can understand why.

Real quiet this week on the DTV market. Its mostly because there are a lot big Academy Awards worthy and big-budget movies coming out this week. There is a pick of the week, but its nothing to get too excited about.

The Casino Job

Synopsis: Sexy Vegas strippers thought they came up all aces after successfully pulling off a plan to rob a casino. But one member of the team is holding a card that no one sees coming.

Dark Reel

Synopsis: Murder, mystery and mayhem as B movie fan, Adam Waltz, wins Walk on Role in a film Featuring Scream Queen, Cassie Blue (Tiffany Shepis). Thinking his luck had changed for the better he steps into chaos with a killer loose and no one on the production safe. Adams role gets bigger with the murder of an actress, studio chief’s (Henriksen) low-budget thriller becomes big with the new publicity… Everyone is a suspect. Who is the killer? Why are they doing this? and who is next?

Growing Out

Synopsis: A troubled songwriter discovers a human growing out of his basement floor.

HypnoWeed

Synopsis: Revolutionary new DVD combines hypnosis, entrancing video imagery and the latest digital audio techniques to create incredible, mind-altering effects — safely and legally.

Ride the Wake

Synopsis: Jessica Evans is one of the hottest up-and-coming wakeboarders in the local scene, and she is poised to break out on a national level. However, with the recent death of her mother, she is struggling to find her place in the adult world with only her overprotective and emotionally distant father to help her. Things are turned upside down when a pro snowboarder shows up on her doorstep asking for wakeboarding lessons, and a definite attraction develops. With so many distractions in her life, the biggest obstacles Jessica faces in the upcoming tournament are her own fears, as she worries whether she can compete against the local guys.

Seemless

Synopsis: Bethlehem Pennsylvania, an almost city outside of Philadelphia. Home of Trenton La’Chance, a nice guy who has played it safe all his life. But When he takes an under the table job from one of his client’s shady business partners, his world turns upside down. When the suave and ruthless gangster Fransisco Rodriquez from Philly accuses Trent of stealing close to a half million dollars, Trent gets caught in the eye of the storm. He’s got 48 hours to find the money or die! Racing, he uncovers a murky trail of stolen money, gangsters, dirty cops, and deceit, while trying to hold on to the one thing that’s finally gone right; Leah… The already heart pounding journey becomes a test of character as real truths are revealed. No one will be the same after these two days. Everything and everyone is changing… Starring Curtiss Cook, Kerisse Hutchinson, Loukas Papas, Del Pentecost, and Nicoye Banks.

Stash

Synopsis: Blood, crime, drugs and moonshine prove a lethal combination in this wicked back-roads nightmare called STASH. Bud’s a heavy-set, bearded, Marijuana grower from the hills of Eastern Kentucky. While Bud has a growing operation, this is not his only secret. Down in his damp, dark, blood-soaked basement is a darker and more sinister one. When two local crooks hear that Bud’s leaving town for a few days, they hatch a plan to relieve him of 20 pounds of homegrown. But before they make out with the stash, Bud catches them red-handed and forces them into a bloody game or life or death. A game where drugs, kidnapping, torture and rape are only the beginning.

Stormforce

Synopsis: An action adventure set in the high seas. Lots of rescuing and human drama. Compelling stuff. Sorry, I couldn’t find a proper synopsis.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Sugarhouse

Synopsis: Determined to kill his wife’s lover, a middle-class accountant (Steven Mackintosh, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels) attempts to purchase a .38 from an inner-city crackhead (Ashley Walters, Get Rich or Die Tryin’), unaware the gun actually belongs to a psychotic drug lord (Andy Serkis, The Lord of the Rings) who’d kill to get his weapon back. Gritty and suspenseful, Sugarhouse is a “furious and frightening film” (Jason Solomons, The Observer), an edgy urban thriller about deception, drug deals and a gun to die for.

RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (2007)

Starring Cerina Vincent (Cabin Fever)

When it comes to direct-to-video sequels, horror films get the worst treatment. It has gotten to the point where every horror movie has at least one sequel and 75% of the time it goes straight to DVD. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are bad sequels, but movies like Return to House on Haunted Hill make a very good argument against.

I haven’t been the biggest fan of the Haunted Hill films, but they’re decent. The Vincent Price version was a little cheesy in its dated attempts at terror, but still has the cheesy fun element to it and the story itself is decent. The 1999 remake was pretty dopey, but it took some interesting twist and turns so that you’re distracted enough not to notice the horrible writing. Now, with Return to House on Haunted Hill, we have a tired and cliché haunted house movie that not only doesn’t live up to it’s predecessors, it’s almost a parody of them. Any kind of logic that may have been established in the last two movies is GONE.

Previously, the Haunted Hill movies were about a bunch of people who came to a haunted house and stayed the night for money. Drama occurs and people get killed. Return to House on Haunted Hill picks up right after the remake. Ariel, the sister of one of the survivors from the house, discovers her sister commits suicide. While trying to figure out why she killed herself, the movie stumbles into a plot about the statue of the evil god Baphomet that is worth a lot of money. Kudos to the director for making a sequel of a remake and taking it in a new direction, but, really, treasure hunting? Yes, treasure hunting.

Later on, Ariel, her friend Paul, and Professor Richard are kidnapped by a gang that apparently dabbles in treasure hunting. They force all of them back into the haunted house where the gang plays a predictable game of Scooby Doo. As they aimlessly search the house, the ghosts of Dr. Vannacutt and his patients appear and kill them as the gang leader keeps denying that ghosts exist. Despite a ghost lesbian scene, there is nothing new here horror wise. Sure, there is some solid organ removals and limb tearing, but it’s a far-cry from the 1999 remake which had some much more creative kills.

My biggest problem with the movie is undeniably the cinematography. Taking a cue from the Saw movies, all the scenes involving the ghosts are edited into quick shots with lots of flashes. Is that supposed to be more frightening or hardcore? Dialogue wise, it’s predictably dopey. Why is it so hard for these direct-to-video movies do have decent dialogue or even competent actors? Its not rocket science. And, I’m sorry, but the whole National Treasure plot seems a bit farfetched even for this kind of movie. I mean, the whole point of Haunted Hill is to get people in a haunted house and kill them. Why do you have to through this idiotic plot device to get there?

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 sliced off face.

-1 ghost lesbian three-way.

-1 man’s intestines yanked.

-1 man split by the limbs via bed sheets.

-1 death via water-monster.

-1 cut open brain.

-1 man burned alive.

-1 Indiana Jones idol.

RATING: C-Movie

There is nothing particularly horrible about this movie, but there is nothing good about it either. If you’re not looking for anything new or interesting in the way horrific haunted house movies, Return to House on Haunted Hill is an average horror movie. But the fact that it bares the name and attempts to be a sequel to the 1999 House on Haunted Hill makes it a big disappointment. I’ve seen worse direct-to-video sequels, but that’s all the praise I can give this movie.

BAD GIRLS FROM MARS (1990)

Starring Don Dowe (Evil Toons)

When Bad Girls From Mars first starts, the words ‘Attention’ flash on the screen as an announcer says that this low-budget movie contains explicit scenes. Furthermore, he states that the movie will sound a horn sound effect whenever these scenes come up which apparently is when you should ‘close your eyes’. Is this a warning for children or hardcore Christian audiences? I may not know specific audience that warning was intended for, but I do know who this movie was intended for: drunken college kids. At least, that is the only demographic I could see enjoying this movie. Maybe those younger kids sneaking a peek at dad’s secret porno would get a kick out of this as well.

The film is supposed to be a sort of dorky dark comedy based on the film production of a soft-core porno disguised as a science fiction movie. During the filming of a particular porno, which happens to be the same name as the title, several female leads are being killed off. For their newest lead, they hire Emmanuelle Fortes, a European sexual superstar but dumb as a box of rocks. As Emmanuelle continues to embarrass herself and having sex with multiple partners, the bumbling cops try to catch the actress murderer. I thought all the other characters were dopey until I saw Al the Cop, who spends most of his time cramming food into face-hole while wearing a fedora and getting crumbs in his mustache.

This movie was clearly written by somebody with a low IQ serving some incredibly stupid dialogue that even Adam Sandler would shy away from. There are several horribly written puns and euphemisms referring to female breasts, male genitals and the act of sexual intercourse. But this movie is supposed to be a comedy so I guess it was half-intentional. The actors are laughably bad, but, again, it seems half-intentional. And what’s going on screen when there isn’t bad dialogue being thrown around? Why, female nudity, of course.

In fact, the majority of this movie is comprised of scenes with women getting undressed with cartoon sound effects thrown (you know, for comedy). It’s pretty hilarious for the first hour, but after awhile you get tired of looking at boobs. Why can’t the boobs do something more than just show up? Why can’t they shoot lasers or something? As for the murder mystery, it’s really not that interesting and the movie losses sight of it until the end of the movie. Honestly, the movie these people are making looks ten times more interesting than this movie.

DVD Dump Counter

-1 pre-movie explicit content warning.

-1 starship sequence.

-1 porno blooper.

-14 scenes of female nudity.

-1 man punched in the nuts.

-1 death by noose made of film.

-1 botched convenience store robbery.

-1 bumbling fat cop.

-1 garbage fetish.

-1 severed hand.

-1 female wrestling scene.

-1 masked murderer.

-1 hand grenade exploding in a girl’s mouth.

RATING: C-Movie

While it has the appearance of bad soft-core porn flick, Bad Girls From Mars does okay as an over-the-top movie with a bad script and lots of female nudity. At times the script can be a bit agitating in its preschool humor and at other times it can be just ridiculous enough to be entertaining. It’s basically a ridiculous porno minus the sex and certainly not an ‘any-time’ kind of movie.