The DVD Dump

 Memorial Day is over and it’s time to get back to work. Much like a person who gets a flood of voicemails and e-mails after a long weekend, there is a new batch of DTV DVDs. Just as well considering there is nothing big coming out this week. So, in another attempt to make this section more interesting, here are this week’s DVD Dump New Releases in the form of after-weekend e-mails.

Brother’s War

To: Consumer

From: Brother’s War

We were thinking about doing a serious character movie about unlikely allies in a time of war, but we remembered how much you guys love special effects. So we pulled some strings and threw some cool 3D graphics in there.

Carnivorous

To: Carnivorous

From: DMX

You better not f**k this up. I can’t be seen as no rapper turned horrible actor. You told me this would be like Anaconda. The cover looks like sh*t. And why the f**k ain’t I on da cover. This better sell or I’m going to vote this 1 star on Flixster.

Crazy Girls Undercover

To: Crazy Girls Undercover

From: 1980’s

Are you coming back sometime soon? The Breakfast Club is getting lonely and the porn industry is in desperate need of more script writers. Anyway, I hope your movie is being well appreciated in the 2000’s. We miss you.

The Devil’s Tomb

To: Cuba Gooding Jr., Ron Perlman

From: Director Jason Connery

Hey guys, thanks for being in my B-movie. Hopefully, it’ll make for a B+ movie, eh? I’d invite you to the premiere, but it’s direct-to-video. However, we’ll hold a screening at my house. Heck, we’ll make it a pajama party. By the way, Ron, see if Giermo Del Toro can make it. I really want to pitch him my script for Pan’s Labrythn 2.

Hindsight

To: Editor

From: Director

Dude, I just saw the trailer for Hindsight last night. I was drinking with my buds and loaded it up on youtube. They said it was mad gay, but I told them it was emotional. Then I smashed one of them with a beer bottle and we got in a brawl. At least, I think we did. I woke up in a dumpster. I was so high last night. By the way, could you put some guitar in the trailer and fix that scratching in the soundtrack? Also, put more dramatic one-liners at the tailend.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Killshot

To: Mickey Rourke

From: Quinten Tarrantino

Hey Rourke, man, you rocked in Killshot, man, you are THE BOMB! You looked pretty bad-ass with that pony-tail almost like that TV show Renegade. Remember Renegade? I think I’ll pen a Renegade movie. And I want YOU in it, baby. I’ll get you and some old Native American in a chopper and it’ll be bad-ass. Are you still coming over to my house tonight to watch crappy movies from the 70’s? You still haven’t replied in that 30 e-mails I sent you.

Know Thy Enemy

To: Know Thy Enemey

From: Unknown

Yo, boy, this movie be tight. You know what I’m saying, this movie speaks to me since I’m an amatuer rapper, know what I’m saying? Me and my boys love movies about gangsters and sh*t and you got our number, know what I’m saying. Dis movie off da hook, son. You should make a sequel, know what I’m saying?

Powder Blue

To: Powder Blue

From: EmoLover192

I love the setup for your movie, but could you do a favor for me and change the ending? I don’t buy the whole miracles-saving-the-day ending. I could write you some poetry I made to help inspire you to write a better ending. Also, if you go to my MySpace page, I’ve got some Chemical Romance songs you should consider putting in the movie.

The Ramen Girl

To: The Ramen Girl

From: JapanFan456

WTF! Why you do this! You should’ve cast Japanese actress for this role or at least Chinese Britney Murphy is stupid American girl and the Japanese think so. I know because I’ve studied Japan at college and it says right in my text book that they hate blondes. I have plenty of anime to back this up as well.

Stomp! Shout! Scream!

To: Stomp! Shout! Scream!

From: 1960’s

GET THE HELL BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! You’re just going to make a fool of yourself.

I did a lot of thinking about how most of these DTV movies are on the shelves of rental stores, in the queues on Netflix, and even taking up the majority of the slots on RedBoxes. While trying to figure out the audience for these particular movies, it donned on me. When I was a kid, I would generally judge a movie based on the cover or prior knowledge of similar movies in determining what I’d like to see at the video store. That being said, I’ve summarized this week’s new DTV releases with quote from the kid in me the preferred the frosty side (nobody under the age of 18 will understand that joke).

Detective Story

“This is, like, the awesome version of Law and Order.”

The Devil’s Ground

“That chick from Kill Bill is in it. It would be awesome if this were the prequel.”

Driven to Kill

“Bullets, blood, and bodies hitting the ground? Awesome!”

Dr. Dolittle: Million Dollar Mutts

“Doggies! SQUEEEEEEEEE!”

Eden Log

“Sweet! C.H.U.D. 2! Dad, can I live in a cave?”

Infected

“Alien invasion? I’d shoot the mayor too in that situation.”

Labou

“Can I get one for Christmas? I’ll trade the cat in for it.”

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Outlander

“Jesus faught dragons with Vikings on another planet! Why don’t they teach this in sunday school?”

Riot on 42nd Street

“Are the 1980’s part of The Great Depression I keep hearing about in history class?”

This week I thought I’d try something different and say something both positive and negative about the new releases. That way it seems kinda fair in my pre-judgement of direct-to-video movies based only on a trailer and some info I ripped off IMDB. Yes, it would be nice to review every single one of the movies in detail every week. And if I pooped gold, that’d probably be what I’d do. So until they make an Olestra-like substance capable of causing that condition, I’ll stick with my short and sweet method.

The Boxer

Pro: I wish I had a coach like Stacy Keach.

Con: It’s a poor man’s Rocky. And since Rocky only costs about $10 on DVD, you’d have to be really poor.

BTK

Pro: Well….the trailer gets the point of the movie across well…

Con: …too bad it’s telling me this is torture porn.

Doomed to Consume

Pro: It’s nice to see that zombie movies are still thriving.

Con: I just wish they weren’t all shot on camcorders. And stop using that much blood! You look ridiculous.

El Cartel

Pro: Creepy movie about Mexican drug running. If I were a teen living in Texas, this would make me think twice about skipping the border.

Con: Do you really need to say the tagline of the movie in the movie?

The Grudge 3

Pro: Well, now there is a trilogy.

Con: Call me hardened, but I don’t wet my pants of fright when a black and white girl burps all over me.

High Hopes

Pro: Quite a big cast for a DTV movie about making a porno with drug money.

Con: I need a little more than weed and porno to enjoy a movie. And I don’t care if that harshes your ‘buzz’.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Kill Buljo

Pro: Russian movie-parody gold! I smell a cult classic.

Cons: May not be the best movie to see after enduring the cinematic disasters of Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans.

Lying

Pro: Four women living together in the country!

Con: Oh, wait, they don’t….nevermind. Looks too artsy farty and not the good kind where you see a nipple here and there.

Personal Effects

Pro: Ashton Kutcher in a decent role. Go figure.

Con: EEEW! Ashton Kutcher and Michelle Pheifer are kissing! EEEEEWWWW!

Possession

Pro: More of Sarah Michelle Gellar (Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

Con: Being a remake of a Korean movie, chances are the Korean one is superior given America’s track record for foreign remakes. (See Grudge 3 above)

Running on Empty Dreams

Pro: Lesbians.

Cons: The kind of lesbians that destroy a family.

S Darko: A Donnie Darko Tale

Pro: More Donnie Darko.

Con: More Donnie Darko.

Taking Chance

Pro: Kevin Bacon in a compelling TV drama.

Con: Very Pro-American; may not play when in Isreal.

It’s summer time! Time to break out the sunscreen, hit the beach, and…who the hell am I kidding? I’m gonna sit on my ass all summer and watch movies. And, hey, when it comes to direct-to-video DVDs, there is something for everyone who can’t enjoy MTV’s definition of summer fun.

Baja Beach Bums

For the poor college student: Can’t afford to party it up down in Mexico with your surfer dudes and crack low-quality jokes? There are at least a dozen movies that can simulate that experience, but here is the newest one.

Between Love & Goodbye

For the still-in-the-closet homosexual: Too embaressed to attend the extra-fruity gay pride parade? Want a little emo with your gay romance? Believe it or not, there is a movie for you.

The Eddie Black Story (AKA Deceptz)

For the wanna-be gangster with a heart of gold: Love playing GTA4 but wish it had a going-straight story mode? Me neither, but for the people who do, there is this movie. Also, what kind of gang calls themselves the Decepticons

End of the Line

For the person with a phobia of public transporation, religion, aliens, and everything else: Does nobody believe you about how dangerous the outside world can be? Show them this movie and prove them wrong!

Flirting with Forty

For the cougar: Trying to come on to younger men, but they’re just not that into you? Healther Locklear shows the secret in this romantic TV movie: look like Heather Locklear.

Frankenhood

For the….who the hell would watch this?: Seriously, I don’t know who this movie is meant for. It’s too stupid for adults and too adult for kids.

How it All Went Down

For the aspiring filmmaker considering selling drugs: Just in case someone saying ‘don’t do it’ isn’t enough, here is an after school special to drive home the point.

Jack Squad

For the girls who love ripping off guys: Are you one of those girls who loves ripping off older men at clubs? Well, here is a movie that’ll either make you conform your ways or start carrying guns.

The Last Templar

For the female adventurer: Wish there were a female Indiana Jones? I don’t, but if that kind of story makes for a #1 international best-selling book, it must be for someone.

Living Proof

For the Lifetime movie watcher: Good news, women and gay men who watch Lifetime. You got a movie based on a true-story with A-list actors. This isn’t going to be my pick of the week, but it gets a gold star and its going right up on the fridge.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Look

For the voyuer: Yes, I didn’t forget about you, Mr. sitting-by-his-apartment-window-with-binoculars. But, in all honesty, its a pretty awesome movie. No, seriously, it is. DON’T JUDGE ME!

The Lost Samaritan

For the person who will watch anything: Action? Guns? Say no more, I’m sold.

Love Takes Wing

For the person who will watch anything with Haylie Duff: Has your favorite celebrity sister dissappeared from TMZ or Entertainment Tongiht? Don’t worry, she was just hiding over at the Hallmark Channel.

The Note II: Taking a Chance on Love

For the loneliest women in the world: All I can say is that this trailer seems more like a diamond commercial and less like a movie commercial.

Smother

For the mama’s boy: Seriously, dudes, get the hell out of your mom’s house pronoto!

The Wedding Weekend

For the femme grooms to be: Want a little bro love, but not THAT kind of bro love in a romantic comedy? I don’t know why you’d want that kind of movie, but, like I said, there is something for everyone.

Winter of Frozen Dreams

For the slutty college student: It’s nice to see that even successful college students can still be creepy whores.

It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, but since the summer movie season starts today (according to Wolverine spots), it’s the perfect time to consider video alternatives to big summer blockbusters.

X-Men Origins, Wolverine: Tired and confused by the amount of mystery behind the Wolverine character in the X-Men movies? Well, here is his entire backstory clearly spelled out for you.

Instead, watch…Hulk vs. Wolverine: Do you really want an origin story for an indestructable mutant with retractable blades? Heck, no, you just want to see him cut the crap out of people. And who better an opponent then the Hulk?

Ghost of Girlfriend’s Past: A Charles Dickens classic raped into a romantic chick flick. Again, Mathew McConaughey plays the man every woman is supposed to be in love with. Either he is taking on really horrible project or his ego is really that big.

Instead, watch…Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Next Generation: Before McConaughey was seen as the dopey man-meat he is now, he was a psychotic madman in this revamped horror sequel.

Battle for Terra: A human space army invades a world of sperm-like aliens to engage in a territorial war and perhaps learn about the reproductive system.

Instead, watch…Titan AE: Great animated science fiction, rocking soundtrack, good dialogue, extra battles, hold the melodrama. Also, one of the few Don Bluth animated movies that won’t thouroughly disturb children.