The DVD Dump

 Memorial Day is over and it’s time to get back to work. Much like a person who gets a flood of voicemails and e-mails after a long weekend, there is a new batch of DTV DVDs. Just as well considering there is nothing big coming out this week. So, in another attempt to make this section more interesting, here are this week’s DVD Dump New Releases in the form of after-weekend e-mails.

Brother’s War

To: Consumer

From: Brother’s War

We were thinking about doing a serious character movie about unlikely allies in a time of war, but we remembered how much you guys love special effects. So we pulled some strings and threw some cool 3D graphics in there.

Carnivorous

To: Carnivorous

From: DMX

You better not f**k this up. I can’t be seen as no rapper turned horrible actor. You told me this would be like Anaconda. The cover looks like sh*t. And why the f**k ain’t I on da cover. This better sell or I’m going to vote this 1 star on Flixster.

Crazy Girls Undercover

To: Crazy Girls Undercover

From: 1980’s

Are you coming back sometime soon? The Breakfast Club is getting lonely and the porn industry is in desperate need of more script writers. Anyway, I hope your movie is being well appreciated in the 2000’s. We miss you.

The Devil’s Tomb

To: Cuba Gooding Jr., Ron Perlman

From: Director Jason Connery

Hey guys, thanks for being in my B-movie. Hopefully, it’ll make for a B+ movie, eh? I’d invite you to the premiere, but it’s direct-to-video. However, we’ll hold a screening at my house. Heck, we’ll make it a pajama party. By the way, Ron, see if Giermo Del Toro can make it. I really want to pitch him my script for Pan’s Labrythn 2.

Hindsight

To: Editor

From: Director

Dude, I just saw the trailer for Hindsight last night. I was drinking with my buds and loaded it up on youtube. They said it was mad gay, but I told them it was emotional. Then I smashed one of them with a beer bottle and we got in a brawl. At least, I think we did. I woke up in a dumpster. I was so high last night. By the way, could you put some guitar in the trailer and fix that scratching in the soundtrack? Also, put more dramatic one-liners at the tailend.

DVD Dump Pick of the Week:

Killshot

To: Mickey Rourke

From: Quinten Tarrantino

Hey Rourke, man, you rocked in Killshot, man, you are THE BOMB! You looked pretty bad-ass with that pony-tail almost like that TV show Renegade. Remember Renegade? I think I’ll pen a Renegade movie. And I want YOU in it, baby. I’ll get you and some old Native American in a chopper and it’ll be bad-ass. Are you still coming over to my house tonight to watch crappy movies from the 70’s? You still haven’t replied in that 30 e-mails I sent you.

Know Thy Enemy

To: Know Thy Enemey

From: Unknown

Yo, boy, this movie be tight. You know what I’m saying, this movie speaks to me since I’m an amatuer rapper, know what I’m saying? Me and my boys love movies about gangsters and sh*t and you got our number, know what I’m saying. Dis movie off da hook, son. You should make a sequel, know what I’m saying?

Powder Blue

To: Powder Blue

From: EmoLover192

I love the setup for your movie, but could you do a favor for me and change the ending? I don’t buy the whole miracles-saving-the-day ending. I could write you some poetry I made to help inspire you to write a better ending. Also, if you go to my MySpace page, I’ve got some Chemical Romance songs you should consider putting in the movie.

The Ramen Girl

To: The Ramen Girl

From: JapanFan456

WTF! Why you do this! You should’ve cast Japanese actress for this role or at least Chinese Britney Murphy is stupid American girl and the Japanese think so. I know because I’ve studied Japan at college and it says right in my text book that they hate blondes. I have plenty of anime to back this up as well.

Stomp! Shout! Scream!

To: Stomp! Shout! Scream!

From: 1960’s

GET THE HELL BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! You’re just going to make a fool of yourself.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS