The DVD Dump

Christian Slater and William H. Macy are very, VERY good actors. That is why it is so sad that they give it their all in a movie that is sloppy, plays with more CGI than it should have and is littered with plot-holes.

Christian Slater plays Bob, a quiet office worker who harassed more than your usual pencil pusher. He contemplates bringing in a gun and shooting several people, but always wusses out until one day somebody beats him to the punch. A bit pissed that the guy also paralyzed Bob’s love interest, Vanessa, Bob plugs the shooter with his gun making him a hero. His actions earn him a place at the top of the company as ‘Vice President of Creative Thinking’. Vanessa, however, is pissed at Bob for letting her lives and wants him to finish her off. He agrees, but wusses out again which causes Vanessa to move more of her body. They seems to live happily together as lovers, until a grief councilor at work fingers Bob and he learns that his boss, played wonderfully by William H Macy, still has a thing with Vanessa. This all leads up to a grand climax with Bob going back to his original plan.

Just reading that last paragraph makes He Was a Quiet Man seem like a decent movie, but what I neglected to mention were the visual elements which weigh this movie down. First off, I understand that the director, Frank A Cappello, was intending to inject symbolism into his movie with many of these elements. My beef with this is that he injects it so explicitly and often crowbars it in to the movie. There are CGI hummingbirds to symbolize temptation, sped-up footage of cars to symbolize how Bob is being left behind, CGI TALKING fish to display Bob’s inner thoughts (and give him a friend), and a CGI building explosion to symbolize Bob’s desire to destroy. And as if that weren’t enough, he has two music montages that are very cliche by movie standards. Not to mention there are subplots with a janitor and some other employees that goes nowhere.

I could have forgiven all this if the movie surprised me and took more chances, but everything feels oddly routine and expected. It sounds weird writing this about a movie with talking fish and a building explosion, but it just didn’t thrill me nor hold my attention as well as a more developed society-revenge flick like Falling Down. Granted, the movie pushed itself into different realms from being a psycho revenge film to an off-beat romance back to a psycho revenge film, but the transition is odd and was often confusing what with all the plot-holes left unanswered in the middle. It’s some pretty sloppy writing, although I didn’t expect much from the guy who wrote Subruban Commando.

 DVD Dump Counter:

-2 gun related incidents in the office

-1 talking cussing fish

-4 scenes of CGI humming birds

-1 scene of parapalegic sex

-3 scenes of traffic moving too fast

-1 CGI building explosion

-2 music-video montages

-2 times the movie’s title is said

RATING: C-movie

The script is at best decent with a great cast doing their best, but the ridiculous inclusion of CGI elements and montages just pushes this movie into the land of the ridiculous. I’m not mad at the movie; I just don’t really feel anything for it since it had an interesting concept that never really surprised me. I wish He Was a Quiet Man was louder.

WONDER WOMAN

Featuring the voices of Keri Russell (Waitress) and Nathan Fillion (Serenity)

Of all the characters in the DC universe, I was never a big fan of Wonder Woman. Let’s face it; her character is an uber-feminist female Superman. And according to Justice League writer Dwayne McDuffie, she’s also the most expensive character to use. So I wasn’t too thrilled about a Wonder Woman animated movie, but I was cleverly surprised by this one. Not surprised enough that Wonder Woman is now my favorite superhero or my opinion of her has changed, but enough to be as entertaining as the previous DC animated movies if not more so.

Taking place before the birth of Diana (who becomes Wonder Woman), the film opens with a large scale battle of Amazons versus Ares. Ares loses after one of his family members is murdered and Zeus sentences him to jail time on the Amazon’s hidden island of
Themyscira, where you are eternally young (insert Peter Pan joke here). Fast forward to the present time when a US Air Force pilot, Steve Trevor, crash lands on Themyscira. At first he is ecstatic to be on an island full of eternally young women, except the women of Themyscira don’t really like men…at all. After all, the last one they saw was Ares, the god of war. During Steve’s presence on the island, Ares escapes thanks to a jailer-prisoner romance. So now the Amazons must deal with returning Steve to his home and bringing Ares back to jail. These tasks are appointed to Diana who, after disobeying her mother and competing in a contest of strength, becomes Wonder Woman. She dawns the ridiculous red, gold, and blue attire which, in comparison to other armor of the Amazons, looks silly. Don’t get me wrong, it certainly allows for maximum maneuverability, but it’s still hard to take someone seriously in a one-piece with boots and a tiara.

Most of the movie is a fish-out-of-water romance story between Steve Trevor and Wonder Woman which works surprisingly well. Of course, Wonder Woman beats us over the head several times how women can be better than men. The moment she gets to America she teaches a little girl how to fight boys. Thank goodness there is a character like Steve in this movie that doesn’t just act as a counter-point to Wonder Woman, but thinks more logically than she does. He’s saying what were all thinking be it his reaction to the Amazons or his major feminist problems Wonder Woman.

Of course, the movie is more than just a tale of Amazon meets American. Ares’ plot to take over the world serves its purpose of providing some nicely animated action scenes. Even though the logistics behind his plot (that rage and violence in the world makes him stronger) seem a bit heavy-handed in it’s message about war and peace. Not to mention his master plan for destroying Themyscira is not all that impressive for a god of war. But the film does have a strong climactic battle with an army of Amazons fighting a zombie army in Washington DC while Wonder Woman and Ares duke it out. The battles are very impressive, well-animated, and, as I stated previously, isn’t afraid to show some blood or sever some limbs. After all, if you have an army of sword-wielding Amazons, somebody is losing a head.

A-MOVIE RATING SYSTEM:

-Full Retail Price

-Bargain Bin

-Rental

-Skip This Bitch 

While I still think Wonder Woman is an overly feminist superhero with dorky accessories that make Aquaman look cool, this movie was very fun to watch with its great battles, good character chemistry, and lots of the elements of mythology. In other words, it’s an animated action movie that’s a bit ridiculous, but not ridiculously bad. I was just surprised a Wonder Woman movie could even be made this well. If WB can do this well with Wonder Woman, I’d love them to take a whack at making a whack at Aquaman.

THE COMIC BOOK DIARIES

I’m sure there were at least a couple of people out there who saw the movie Clerks and said “I could do that.” I guarantee that was Clif Campbell’s rationale behind the movie The Comic Book Diaries. And this movie mirrors many of the same elements, yet screws up the more important ones.

CBD follows a small comic book shop struggling to make a profit. Whether this a real comic book shop, I can’t tell. It’s built in an extremely open and horribly painted environment with quite a bit of empty space. Although I COULD imagine a struggling comic book shop in that kind of a setting. The two owners are John and Tom. John is the main character who in addition to financial difficulties is having problems with his lady friend. Tom is supposed to be the more free-spirit who eggs on John to stop being a loser and stand up for himself. Together they face the hardships of breaking-up, farting, an ex-employee fired for smoking pot on the job, shoplifters, and an unsuccessful comic book signing for Nick Levine (not played the real Nick Levine), and, of course, murder.

There is actually a competent script at work here, but there are several elements holding it back from becoming a great movie. The one flaw is visible from the very first scene: the acting. Of all the elements from Clerks that inspired Clif to make CBD, why couldn’t he have focused on the delivery? Yeah, the dialogue in Clerks was well-written, but it was only as strong as the actors delivering it. The majority of the actors in CBD are almost sleep-walking through their roles. I know it’s a low-budget production and that Clif probably couldn’t hire fantastic actors, but an actor is only good as the director motivating him/her. The other biggest flaw is in the production: no lighting, no sound editing, and camcorder video quality. If director Clif Campbell is a film student, this is pretty amateur. If he actually is an amateur, than I’m little impressed it turned out as well as it did.

However, what works in the film’s favor is the story. It takes awhile to get off the ground and get you interested, but it eventually got interesting and ALMOST has you feel something for the characters. There are only two downsides to the script. The first one being there isn’t a real resolution or ending. The movie just short of stops at 1 hour and 25 minutes. The second being that the movie rarely take advantage of the fact that it’s a comic book shop. John and Tom don’t really have any big discussions relating to the nature of their stores content nor do they show any real chemistry in their interests. I mean, the movie is already low-budget and direct-to-video. Why not go for the comic book jokes only comic book geeks would get?

RATING: C-Movie

The Comic Book Diaries is a solid script buried in low-budget filmmaking. If you’re willing to push aside some glaring elements, CBD is an okay movie. Not great, but not unbearable or boring which is more than I can say for a lot of other C-movies.

THE ROGER CORMAN COLLECTION

Roger Corman is considered to be the king of B-movies. He’s produced over 300 movies, many of them on low budgets, and made bank on most of them. The Roger Corman Collection is comprised of eight films he did double duty on by being both a producer and a director. Now don’t be confused by the title. This is NOT the best of Roger Corman’s work. It doesn’t include The Pit and the Pendulum or Death Race 2000. This box is more or less a collection of Corman’s more cult films, some of which have been out of print for years. It’s also an eye opening experience as it features some of the early and later works of such celebrities as Peter Fonda and Shelly Winters.

Gas-s-s-s plays like a Mad Max for hippies. Some sort of gas is released on the world that kills everyone over the age of 25. This leads to a bunch of crazy hippie kids going on a road trip to find utopia which leads them to discovering different people and societies born of the new anarchy. The biggest problem with the movie is the gags that range from painfully obvious social satire to just downright bad jokes. At one point a girl says she’ll eat till she explodes and she actually does explode. Some of the gags are kind of clever, but there is nothing here that actually made me laugh. Unless of course you count the laughter of how bad the jokes were.

The Trip is just that; a drug trip. Peter Fonda does some LSD and we get to witness everything he sees. His visions are quite visually stunning with some interesting camera work and effects. The acting is okay with a good cast including Bruce Dern and Dennis Hopper, but the story is very disjointed which I guess was the intent of the film to make it feel like a real drug trip. It’s an interesting exercise in special effects and editing, but don’t be expecting more than that. Otherwise your head will explode at trying to comprehend the ending. It should be worth noting that the film was written by Jack Nicholson.

The Young Riders combines character drama with stockcar racing in an uneven fashion. Two rivals face off against each other in both racing and love. This is certainly Corman’s safest films as the characters are likable and the story holds together. However, that’s also the biggest flaw of the movie; it’s too safe. The characters are too likable to point of being boring and the story is too safe that it is incredibly slow considering it’s an 81 minute movie. The best thing the movie has going for it are the racing scenes which are very well-shot. I’m talking Grand Prix good. But unlike Grand Prix, The Young Riders doesn’t feature nearly as much racing.

The Wild Angels could be seen as the lesser remake of Easy Rider considering they both star Peter Fonda as a biker punk, except for the fact that this movie was made three years prior. The Hells Angels break one of their own out of the hospital and later hold a funeral in his honor in which they trash a church. While not as great as Easy Rider, it’s a pretty good movie for what it is. And what it is happens to be an exploitation movie with some bizarre acting by Peter Fonda, Nancy Sinatra, Dianne Ladd and Bruce Dern. In other words, it’s a bad movie, but an entertaining bad movie.

Bloody Mama is one big star-studded mess of a movie. Shelley Winters plays Ma Barker, the mother of a couple of rednecks boys, one played by Robert DeNiro. They tour the country robbing, raping, and murdering during the Great Depression. It’s hard to enjoy this movie because the characters are so darn unlikable especially in a scene where they rape and drown a girl. The film isn’t a total loss as there are some classics cars of the depression era, an interesting scene with a victim questioning one of the Barker boys, and the final shootout is pretty well-shot. It’s just too bad everything else in the film is hard to watch.

A Bucket of Blood shines as the best movie of the set considering it’s the earliest (1959), the shortest (61 minutes), and the only black and white movie in the collection. Walter Paisley (Dick Miller) is a nervous, social wreck of a busboy working in a Bohemian café. Desperate to be an accepted artist, he becomes popular when he starts murdering people and covering them in clay to be passed off as sculptures. A very effective dark comedy with some good acting, hilarious writing and twice as hilarious dated beatnik slang which only makes the film better. It’s kind of like House of Wax meets Color Me Blood Red.

The Premature Burial is one of Corman’s better productions from his series of films based on the works of Edgar Allen Poe. A painter/medical student called Guy (Ray Milland) becomes obsessed with being buried alive that he builds a special tomb. It’s well-shot, beautifully lit, incredibly well-acted, the sets are impressive, and it feels like a genuine classic horror film. In comparison to the other Edgar Allen Poe films Corman made (The Raven and The House of Usher) this is certainly the weakest considering it doesn’t star Vincent Price, but the film is still quite good with a great performance by Ray Milland.

X: The Man With X-Ray Eyes has cheesy Twilight Zone episode written all over it. Dr. Xavier (Ray Milland) stumbles upon a chemical giving him X-ray vision as well as causing progressive insanity. It’s very cheesy in how he goes about using his power to see naked people, become a freak show attraction, become a psychic healer, and cheat at blackjack. However, the film keeps your attention and the special effects aren’t half bad. Not to mention there is a fantastic cameo by Don Rickles in the role of a scam artist. It’s still a B-movie, but it’s an extremely well-made B-movie.

The bulk of the extras focus on The Trip. Corman shares lots of insight in the Tune in, Trip out featurette about why he made The Trip even going so far as to sharing his acid trip visions. This is balanced by Bruce Dern’s insights about how he didn’t buy into the drug culture. Corman’s audio commentary track for The Trip helps explain just what the heck is going on in the film. In some odd, crazy way, his analysis of filming a drug trip actually makes some sense. The featurette ‘Psychedelic Film Effects’ is an interview with the special effects artist Allen Daviav on the making of the various lighting and editing techniques used in The Trip. Very fascinating stuff considering how much work and knowledge of photography it took to make those effects.  X: The Man with the X-Ray eyes also features an audio commentary, though not quite as insightful as The Trip. There is also an interview with Roger Corman on the making of The Premature Burial. Again, this is a very interesting listen proving that Corman knows his stuff when it comes to directing.

Overall, this is strictly a movie geek only set as these eight films are definitely not for everyone. I’d only recommend picking it up if you’re really into exploitation and B-movies or if you’ve just got to own every Roger Corman film.

TRIPPING THE RIFT THE MOVIE (2008)

Featuring the voices of  Stephen Root (Office Space) and Maurice LaMarche (Pinky and the Brain)

You know all those movies based on TV shows that people usually brush off as being just a couple episodes of the series strung together? Well, Tripping the Rift, The Movie actually IS a few episodes from the series strung together to make a movie. This is not so much a movie as much as it is ¼ of season 3.

There are three good things I can say about this movie.

1. The voice acting is top-notch by Stephen Root as Captain Chode and Maurice LaMarche as Gus.
2. The animation is beautiful especially now that it’s in widescreen.
3. The language is actually uncut meaning you’ll get to hear every little dirty word that would’ve been cut from television.

Other than that, this movie is unbelievably flawed. The “movie” basically connects four episodes following the exploits of the raunchy crew on the Jupiter 42 spaceship. There is Chode, the pompous purple alien captain, Gus, the in-the-closet robot, Six, the sexy cyborg, T’nuk, the obese four-legged female, Whip, a teenage lizard, and Bob, the agoraphobic ship computer. They travel around the galaxy finding any way to make some cash. The first part of the movie involves the crew heading to Slovenia to help keep a princess alive in classic black-and-white Frankenstein fashion. The second involves the crew being placed in a witness protection home located in the neighborhood of Desperate Housewives. The third involves Chode and Gus on a treasure hunt ala Temple of Doom. The final episode, which apparently is suppose to be the one carrying this movie, has Chode on the run from a futuristic Terminator assassin sent by his enemy, Darph Bobo, to prevent Chode from impregnating his daughter.

Now, I’m a fan of Tripping the Rift and even I have to admit this movie is not the series at its best. Tripping the Rift does its best when the episodes focus on real situations and character development. The satire was always just for a few quick gags here and there. With Tripping the Rift, The Movie, were presented with a collection of episodes that are heavily dependent on one parody each: Frankenstein, Desperate Housewives, Temple of Doom and Terminator. Another big problem is that the episodes really don’t connect very well. Were introduced to the Terminator character when Chode is in Slovenia and he just misses him. We see the Terminator character again in the Desperate Housewives parody, but he misses Chode yet again. It’s very uneven and just screams that the director was trying desperately to make these episodes connect.

In terms of pushing the bar, this movie is pretty safe compared to how daring the series was. Take the first episode for example where Gus and Chode travel back to the beginning of time and end up killing God. Compared to episodes like that, Tripping the Rift, The Movie seems very routine and lacks that extra punch of absurdity that made the show so hilarious. This brings up the biggest question of this release: Why bother watching this when you could just watch the complete third season?

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 Temple of Doom parody

-1 Desperate Housewives parody

-1 Frankenstein parody

-1 long-running Terminator parody

-1 Sopranos parody

-1 time-travel plot

-1 dismembered princess

-3 sex scenes

-1 cameo by Osama Bin Laden

RATING: C-Movie

Despite its already established superb graphics and voice acting, there is no reason to see this movie instead of the TV series. If you’re a fan, watch the third season of Tripping the Rift instead of watching ¼ of it in this form. If you’ve never seen Tripping the Rift, watch the first two seasons and just ignore this movie entirely. As both a movie and a sampler for the TV series, Tripping the Rift The Movie doesn’t work well as either.

G-SAVIOUR (2000)

Teleplay by Mark Amato (Tripping the Rift)

When it comes to giant robots inspired by samurai garb, the Mobile Suit Gundam franchise has been the oldest leader in this anime genre. In the tradition of other science fiction franchises, Gundam has spanned multiple sequels, comic books, toys, model kits, video games, and more than likely a line of food products that probably didn’t sell very well. To celebrate the franchises’ 20^th anniversary, a western-made live-action movie was made called G-Saviour. And just like most movies milking a franchise, G-Saviour does little to recognize the Gundam canon which is its biggest strength and flaw.

G-Saviour is set in the future about 150 years after the original Gundam series, thus eliminating the laundry list for adapting certain elements. Having disassociated itself from any of Gundam’s previous cartoons, the story is free to completely reinvent itself and give a big middle finger to the fans. The galaxy in this universe is ruled by The Congress of Settlement Nations (yes, it spells CONSENT). The plot involves the discovery of an enzyme that could wipe out world hunger (or galactic hunger, whatever). The main character is Mark Curren, an ex-giant robot pilot committed to underwater research, but, just like an ex-cop, he just gets pulled back in. When the evil General Garneaux of CONSENT (because all generals are fat old villains) tries to wipe out the enzyme for his own gain, Mark teams up with a resistance force to stop the government from being evil. The acting is on the level of Power Rangers with everybody either under-acting or overacting all their lines. The only actor who is even decently convincing is Brennan Elliott as the main character mainly because he gets the best lines and spends most of the movie reacting while in a cockpit.

But none of that really matters. The only reason anybody would EVER want to watch this movie is for the giant robot battles. The problem is that while CGI robots are peppered in throughout the movie, a real giant robot battle doesn’t occur until the climax which comprises only a ¼ of the movie. For a low-budget movie, this would seem like a blessing in disguise, but it’s actually disappointing that it is so short considering the computer graphics are actually…pretty good. Of course, after an hour of cheesy characters barfing poorly written lines, ANYTHING looks great. I’d accept cut-out animation at that point. Maybe that’s part of G-Saviour’s master plan; torture the audience with a poor script than win them back at the last minute with decent CGI. It’s kind of like when you get horribly injured and getting stuck with an IV drip doesn’t seem as bad.

Honestly, though, the giant robot space battle climax is the one saving grace of the movie and almost makes up for the script. Unlike other low-budget movies with CGI, G-Saviour saves itself from making the rookie mistake of using too much compositing against live-action footage. For the most part, the computer graphics are separate from the live-action footage which is actually effective. The giant robots do look pretty good, but not good enough to seamlessly integrate with live-action. Separating the footage actually shows a bit of competence in the direction. It’s just too bad that directing/editing ability couldn’t have been applied to the acting.

DVD Dump Counter:

-4 CGI scenes

-1 giant robot space battle

-1 ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’ death scene

-1 invasion of an outer space colony

-1 person shot (but not killed)

RATING: B-Movie

In terms of a low-budget giant robot movie, G-Saviour has some pretty good graphics with a script more cheesy than nauseating. However, considering this was meant as 20^th anniversary movie for such a successful franchise, I’d be real pissed at this movie if I were a Gundam fan. Fortunately, those fans can disown this movie considering the word Gundam is never heard or mentioned in this movie.

MY NAME IS BRUCE (2007)

Starring and Directed by Bruce Campbell (Evil Dead)

For many B-horror fans, Bruce Campbell has always appeared as the charming big-chinned hero of the genre. Whether he was killing zombies, aliens, mummies, or gypsies, Bruce did it with class and style. But as time has gone by, Campbell’s choice in movie roles has become less than stellar compared to the glory days of the Evil Dead trilogy. However, before he joins the ranks of Steven Segal and Chuck Norris, Bruce takes a step back to direct a parody of himself and what he may become.

Unlike his previous movies where Bruce has appeared as the charmingly macho hero, My Name is Bruce portrays Campbell as a boozing low-life. And not the charming type of boozing low-life; he really goes out of his way to make himself almost completely unlikable in the vain of Bad Santa. And yet there is sill something still charming about that as well. The movie takes place in Gold Lick, Oregon where a graveyard of Chinese railroad workers holds the mythical monster, Guan Di. When some horny teens steal the sacred emblem that keeps Guan Di sealed, the evil Chinese monster is unleashed on the town. According to the movie’s legend on this monster, he is the guardian of bean curd and takes revenge on the white people whose ancestors did not save the Chinese workers from death. As far as movie monsters go, Guan Di isn’t very threatening in the fact that all he really does is swing a giant blade. But he rarely ever misses. Every time Guan Di swings that blade, he cuts something off and it’s usually a head. The sole survivor of Guan Di’s introductory assault on some horny teens is Jeff, an obsessed fan of Bruce Campbell. So obsessed in fact that he actually believes Bruce Campbell can save his town from Guan Di.

So after an unsuccessful pitch from Jeff to Bruce for him to save his town, his plan B is to knock Bruce out and kidnap him. How a cute plea for help turned into breaking the law so fast just astounds me. Once Bruce is brought to Gold Lick, he is convinced that this is actually a movie setup by his agent and attempts to play the part of the hero while still complaining as if he were on a set. Of course, Bruce takes advantage of the small town by acting like a charming, but aged, jerk. But once Bruce witnesses Guan Di smashing somebody’s head in with his blade, Bruce not only comes to his senses, but turns into the biggest jerk ever while fleeing the scene. How big of a jerk? He accidentally shoots a couple of people and steals a car from an old lady while tossing her kenneled cat out the window. As expected, Bruce has the moment of realization where he has to go back and save his biggest fan Jeff. However, it doesn’t exactly mean that Bruce learns a lesson to turn his life around. Instead he uses a tad of common sense when he goes into hero mode. And the ending, while appears expected, is saved by two much better false endings.

Make no mistake, however, My Name is Bruce is not a perfect movie. There are a few plot points that are a tad farfetched such as how Jeff resorts to kidnapping Bruce or how the town actually believes this guy will save them all. The acting is typical of B-movies and TV movies. Some actors are decent, others try to hard. The stand-out actor here is clearly Ted Raimi who plays the roles of Bruce’s agent, the Gold Lick sign painter, and the crazy old Chinese man. Ted doesn’t really melt into these roles, but he plays them with enough glee to make you smile. Many may be displeased by Campbell’s performance as a jerk, but I thought he did great job at portraying an aging actor turned douche-bag. I’m so use to seeing him as the charming hero that watching him booze it up in a trailer while he wallows in his failures holds an interesting appeal. The most humorous part of the movie is undeniably the irony of Bruce’s real life acting career. The movie features Bruce starring in another made-for-TV sci-fi movie that seems so real it’s creepy. And when he is commissioned for two sequels to that movie, you really feel his pain. But also you laugh at the same time…while tears roll down my cheeks.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 severed hand

-4 scenes of the musical number based on the monster, Guan Di

-5 decapitations

-1 neck slashed open

-1 bad movie parody

-1 scene of drinking urine

-1 scene of drinking alcohol out of a dog bowl

-1 blade to the head

-1 transvestite prostitute

-3 characters played by Ted Raimi

-1 cat inside a kennel tossed out a moving car

-3 times Bruce grabs a woman’s butt

-2 fake endings

RATING: B-Movie

Despite its low-budget and actor limitations, My Name is Bruce is delightful surprise. The monster is pretty cool, the comedy has more hits than misses, and it’s Bruce-freaking-Campbell in a movie he directed. However, if you’ve never seen a Bruce Campbell movie, chances are you’re really not going to like the guy in this movie. It’s more-or-less a Campbell fan movie.

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DARK FIELDS (2006)

Starring writer/director Al Randall as Farmer Brown

I don’t expect too much from low-budget, direct-to-video movies. I’m not expecting incredible special effects, awesome explosions, or even Oscar-caliber acting. I don’t even expect a great soundtrack. I mean, in the end, it all comes down to the story. And if your story is just your run-of-the-mill sexy-teens-stranded-in-redneck-territory-who-get-murdered-by-rednecks movie, you have a movie like Dark Fields. And Dark Fields is just plain awful. This is one of the ‘Don’t’ movies you’d show in filmmaking school.

After some brilliant cutting between a teenage girl dressing and a farmer cutting off a chicken’s head, the opening credits appear typed in the ‘chiller’ font perfectly setting the mood (trying to be scary, but looks stupid). Later on at what I assume is a school, though it’s hard to tell from the conference room atmosphere of the classroom, a bunch of teenagers meet in the hallway of exposition. A group of teens who don’t really like each other hitch a ride to a concert because one of them has access to a car. The scene in the hallways serves as an example of how awful these teenagers are as actors. It doesn’t help either that the dull hum of the florescent lighting is ever present in the scene. I guess it could be passed off as music. While the teenagers under-act in the hallway, they OVER-act in the car. What was once playful and stupid banter between the groups somehow morphed into pure overreacting anger. After a couple of poop and piss jokes in the car, the stupid teenagers realize they are lost and out of gas. Lost in the middle of nowhere, they stumbled onto a farm to find some gas or a phone or somebody or just wander around and crack poorly written jokes.

After wandering around the farmer’s house to discover nothing (and do nothing other than pretend that they’re funny), they move their Scooby Doo adventure out to the barn. The comedy continues along with some poorly directed jump-moments which are impossible to screw up in horror movies, but Dark Fields found a way. And, seriously, this movie spends WAY too much time trying to convince the audience that these people are funny. Sure, you have to do that in a horror movie so that when the blood starts gushing it actually means something, but for 20 minutes!? There are a lot of horror movies out there where you wish the stupid wanderers would get their guts ripped out and shown to them, but this is that ultimate type of horror movie. The first kill is just ridiculous as prissy girl and comedy boy notice the lights go on by themselves. Thinking it is a joke, the joker of the group sticks his hand into a thresher to proof a point that it’s one of their friends working the machine. Even it was one of them, why would you stick your hand in a thresher?

Meanwhile the jock and the unsure girl get it on in a hay stack while rambling rock music plays in the background. And by background, I mean it sounds like the music is coming from another room. I forgot to mention that in addition to the low-quality camera and set design, the soundtrack sounds like it is either at a low volume or recorded off the radio. However, the music isn’t really that interesting to listen to so maybe it’s a blessing in disguise. After the two teens finish up their nudity-free sex session, they have some poorly acted drama between each other and continue the search for gas. The movie frequently cuts back to the lone prissy girl aimlessly wandering around the barn. Once the jock and the unsure girl find some tools, some long-haired guy stabs the jock. And I was just starting to get to get to know him; maybe even form a Jar-Jar Binks hatred for him. So now the movie leaves us with high school girls. After running back into the house because they assume it’s the safest place, they discover newspaper clippings explaining why the Brown family who lives here don’t take kindly to strangers. They hitch a ride with a local pick-up truck driver. But once they see blood on his shoes, they freak out and start screaming and flailing their arms at the driver. Even when they try to escape the kind old truck drivers tries to help them open the door to get out, but they keep screaming and swatting at him. And even after he explains that he works at a slaughter house, they are STILL freaking out at him. Too late for apologies now as the driver is killed by the long-haired killer. That man died with his last thought being how incredibly moronic and overreacting teenage girls can be.

Yet another house appears for the teenagers to break into. Of course, the killer is waiting right outside and the girls start screaming at the top of their lungs. It’s no wonder the long-haired dude wants these kids dead. And even though I really haven’t seen much of him the whole movie, I begin to sympathize with him as a character. And now the girls have ventured into the slaughter house. I know the last few places didn’t seem save, but surely an abattoir will be a save haven. The killer shows up again and we see just how quick with the draw he is at murdering teenagers. This guy makes the old fashioned zombies from Night of the Living Dead look like track runners. He wanders around killing people at a stoner’s pace while exerting a minimal amount of force to get through doors. However, you really don’t have to try hard with these girls. Even with knifes and sharp hooks to hit the killer with, these girls spend most of their time missing or forgetting about attacking the killer. And, I swear, they must’ve been knocked unconscious or pretend to be unconscious at least three times during the fight. After the killer takes a brutal beating, he is finally killed and the rock music plays signaling the end of the movie. I can only assume that the killer was the legendary Farmer Brown as his character is in the credits, but it is never really explained (just assumed). What actually happened to the rest of the Brown family? And did the girls ever make it to the concert? So many questions are left unanswered. Could this mean a sequel? There is one question I want left unanswered.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 shower scene

-1 chicken decapitated

-1 butt-cheek mooning

-1 rock and roll teenage montage

-1 fart joke

-1 Sesame Street joke

-1 fake-out sex scene

-1 real sex scene

-1 hand cut up in a thresher

-1 jock stabbed in the chest

-1 pick-up truck driver murdered

-1 flashlight to the head

-1 punch to the killer’s balls

-1 stab to the killer’s chest

-1 slaughter house gun to the face

RATING: Z-Movie

With a running time of only 80 minutes, Dark Fields may seem like a short movie, but its horrible acting, piss-poor camera work, and amateur soundtrack somehow bends the fabric of time turning this into an eternity of low-budget, low-effort horror. And that in itself is far more terrifying than anything in this movie.

WE ARE WIZARDS (2008)

A documentary on Harry Potter fans

I was never big into the Harry Potter books, but I’ve enjoyed the movie adaptations as time has gone by. Yeah, I know, I should really read the books. Everybody keeps telling me that even though they make a lame argument for me to do so. I don’t hate the books; I just have no desire to read the Harry Potter series considering the length of the series and I’m not a huge fan of the franchise. However, I would be open to viewing a documentary on Potter fandom in hopes that it would interest me enough to read the books.

We Are Wizards is not that movie. In fact, this is the exact opposite kind of documentary you’d want to make to get people interested in Harry Potter. The movie depicts Harry Potter fans as over-obsessed (and sometimes borderline depressive) geeks. Now, there is nothing wrong with being a geek. I’m a movie geek myself. But most of these people are just super sad and have nothing interesting to say about Harry Potter that hasn’t been said already. Sure, there are some cute moments like a family of children who become more creative through Harry Potter, but that’s one element among a whole bunch of sob stories and taking fandom into areas that don’t even make sense. One guy in particular reads Harry Potter in an intentional (or unintentional, I’m not sure) nerdy voice and draws low-quality fan-art. Later, the film follows him to a video store where he buys some VHS tape and goes on about how Warner Brothers is trying to screw him. Why is this important to the film? You tell me. Seriously, I want to know, WHY is this important footage?

The majority of the movie focuses on musicians whose music is based on Harry Potter. The bands are okay, but, honestly, fan-bands? That’s a level of fandom that even Trekkies would back away from. In terms of the topics covered, a big one is the boycott of Warner Brothers when they decided to sue fan-sites and fan-movies in what would be called Potter War. According to the fans in the movie, Warner Brothers is the big evil Nazis in this ‘Potter War’ and the fans are the Americans coming to aid the English. Meanwhile, the creepy fan-art guy is making creepy fan-cartoons that appeal to no one. And, boy, does he like to cuss. For a movie entirely about the Harry Potter fans, it really doesn’t paint a pretty picture of them. Naturally, the movie focuses on more their actual life than their fandom, but their actual lives seem so depressing and one-track. It’s almost like witnessing the aftermath of a hurricane.

RATING: C-Movie

After watching this movie, I really don’t want to be a hardcore Harry Potter fan. I don’t want to read the books, I don’t want to attend Potter conventions, nor do I ever want to attend a Harry Potter inspired concert. It’s not a horrible movie as a documentary considering it’s well-edited and well-shot. But the film really doesn’t show how the story of Harry Potter itself has affected these fans, but rather how fan-made activities control their lives. I know they probably don’t, but that is the impression the movie gives off.

POULTRYGEIST: NIGHT OF THE CHICKEN DEAD (2006)

Written and Directed by Lloyd Kaufman (The Toxic Avenger)

Try as big-budget Hollywood movies may, they’ll never grasp the low-brow aspects of trashy low-budget cinema. It takes a special kind of film not bound by studio head demands and a willingness to not play favorites with offensiveness. Poultrygeist is one of those few movies that tears down the barriers and offends everybody, relentlessly and without apology. And there are musical numbers!

The story is simple enough and merely an excuse for some creative/disgusting kills. A sexually confused male teenager named Arbie is trying to win back Wendy, the love of his life turned lesbian. Believing a job will redeem his love life, he seeks a job at the newly opened American Chicken Bunker. While working at the restaurant, he meets a slew of employees ripe for humor and named after different foods/food establishments. There is Denny, the black guy rebelling against whitey, Carl Junior, the redneck chicken fornicator, Humus, the female Muslim who soon turns terrorist, Jose Paco Bell, a rebellious Latino who believes masturbating in the meat grinder sends out a message, and a future version of Arbie called…Arbie. Also, the head of the company, General Lee Roy, makes an appearance and looks exactly like another famous chicken franchise owner. When a bad shipment of eggs makes it’s way into the store, people start vomiting and pooping all over the place. This eventually leads to an outbreak of chicken zombies.

Poultrygeist is a disgusting movie and I mean that in the best possible way. Never before have I seen such combination of vomit, poop, gore, blood and green blood. But what separates this film from others that contain vomit, poop, gore, blood and green blood is that the script is brilliant. While the film does have an underlying message of the hypocrisies in both fast food and peaceful protests, it has a brain that isn’t afraid to break the fourth wall. In fact, it’s not afraid of anything. If it’s tasteless, sexist, racist, and disgusting, you can bet it’s in this movie.

The kills themselves are awesome. Ranging from the outrageous (zombie chicken bites a man’s genitals forcing an employee to shove a broom up his ass to get him off) to the creative (zombie chickens cut up human flesh to serve in buckets), all of them are done with quality and comedy. As I mentioned earlier, there are musical numbers in this movie. All of them are sensational with incredibly hilarious lyrics fitting in with the story. Not since Cannibal the Musical has Troma produced such a finely produced musical. My only gripe about this movie is that because it goes so over-the-top in the humor and the disgusting, many people won’t watch it. That’s a really shame since I consider this to be the king of low-budget horror comedies. Of course, I can understand why it wasn’t distributed to all theaters nation wide. If it got that kind of exposure, there would be a field day with…well, just about every social organization.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 fingered butt

-1 fist through the butt

-5 musical numbers

-1 body in a meat grinder

-1 body in a meat slicer

-2 men in skirts

-1 talking sloppy joe

-1 pole through the butt

-3 sex scenes

-1 face torn off

-1 head bitten off

-1 head pulled off

-1 head severed

-1 penis bitten by zombie chicken

-1 face deep-fried

-1 pair of testicles deep-fried

-1 scene of explosive poop

-2 breast implants removed

-3 limbs cut off

-1 human turned egg

-1 overdose of steroids

-1 head crushed via chicken monster

-1 nose bitten off

-2 explosions

-1 car crash

RATING: B-Movie

If you have a taste for the tasteless and an iron stomach, Poultrygeist is easily one of the best movies in the horror-comedy genre. As a fan of over-the-top horror, I enjoyed this movie. But be warned, this movie is guaranteed to offend religious Muslims, fat people, Christians, Jews, women, gays, and pretty much anybody who faints at the slightest drop of blood.