The DVD Dump

RETURN TO HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (2007)

Starring Cerina Vincent (Cabin Fever)

When it comes to direct-to-video sequels, horror films get the worst treatment. It has gotten to the point where every horror movie has at least one sequel and 75% of the time it goes straight to DVD. Now, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are bad sequels, but movies like Return to House on Haunted Hill make a very good argument against.

I haven’t been the biggest fan of the Haunted Hill films, but they’re decent. The Vincent Price version was a little cheesy in its dated attempts at terror, but still has the cheesy fun element to it and the story itself is decent. The 1999 remake was pretty dopey, but it took some interesting twist and turns so that you’re distracted enough not to notice the horrible writing. Now, with Return to House on Haunted Hill, we have a tired and cliché haunted house movie that not only doesn’t live up to it’s predecessors, it’s almost a parody of them. Any kind of logic that may have been established in the last two movies is GONE.

Previously, the Haunted Hill movies were about a bunch of people who came to a haunted house and stayed the night for money. Drama occurs and people get killed. Return to House on Haunted Hill picks up right after the remake. Ariel, the sister of one of the survivors from the house, discovers her sister commits suicide. While trying to figure out why she killed herself, the movie stumbles into a plot about the statue of the evil god Baphomet that is worth a lot of money. Kudos to the director for making a sequel of a remake and taking it in a new direction, but, really, treasure hunting? Yes, treasure hunting.

Later on, Ariel, her friend Paul, and Professor Richard are kidnapped by a gang that apparently dabbles in treasure hunting. They force all of them back into the haunted house where the gang plays a predictable game of Scooby Doo. As they aimlessly search the house, the ghosts of Dr. Vannacutt and his patients appear and kill them as the gang leader keeps denying that ghosts exist. Despite a ghost lesbian scene, there is nothing new here horror wise. Sure, there is some solid organ removals and limb tearing, but it’s a far-cry from the 1999 remake which had some much more creative kills.

My biggest problem with the movie is undeniably the cinematography. Taking a cue from the Saw movies, all the scenes involving the ghosts are edited into quick shots with lots of flashes. Is that supposed to be more frightening or hardcore? Dialogue wise, it’s predictably dopey. Why is it so hard for these direct-to-video movies do have decent dialogue or even competent actors? Its not rocket science. And, I’m sorry, but the whole National Treasure plot seems a bit farfetched even for this kind of movie. I mean, the whole point of Haunted Hill is to get people in a haunted house and kill them. Why do you have to through this idiotic plot device to get there?

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 sliced off face.

-1 ghost lesbian three-way.

-1 man’s intestines yanked.

-1 man split by the limbs via bed sheets.

-1 death via water-monster.

-1 cut open brain.

-1 man burned alive.

-1 Indiana Jones idol.

RATING: C-Movie

There is nothing particularly horrible about this movie, but there is nothing good about it either. If you’re not looking for anything new or interesting in the way horrific haunted house movies, Return to House on Haunted Hill is an average horror movie. But the fact that it bares the name and attempts to be a sequel to the 1999 House on Haunted Hill makes it a big disappointment. I’ve seen worse direct-to-video sequels, but that’s all the praise I can give this movie.

BAD GIRLS FROM MARS (1990)

Starring Don Dowe (Evil Toons)

When Bad Girls From Mars first starts, the words ‘Attention’ flash on the screen as an announcer says that this low-budget movie contains explicit scenes. Furthermore, he states that the movie will sound a horn sound effect whenever these scenes come up which apparently is when you should ‘close your eyes’. Is this a warning for children or hardcore Christian audiences? I may not know specific audience that warning was intended for, but I do know who this movie was intended for: drunken college kids. At least, that is the only demographic I could see enjoying this movie. Maybe those younger kids sneaking a peek at dad’s secret porno would get a kick out of this as well.

The film is supposed to be a sort of dorky dark comedy based on the film production of a soft-core porno disguised as a science fiction movie. During the filming of a particular porno, which happens to be the same name as the title, several female leads are being killed off. For their newest lead, they hire Emmanuelle Fortes, a European sexual superstar but dumb as a box of rocks. As Emmanuelle continues to embarrass herself and having sex with multiple partners, the bumbling cops try to catch the actress murderer. I thought all the other characters were dopey until I saw Al the Cop, who spends most of his time cramming food into face-hole while wearing a fedora and getting crumbs in his mustache.

This movie was clearly written by somebody with a low IQ serving some incredibly stupid dialogue that even Adam Sandler would shy away from. There are several horribly written puns and euphemisms referring to female breasts, male genitals and the act of sexual intercourse. But this movie is supposed to be a comedy so I guess it was half-intentional. The actors are laughably bad, but, again, it seems half-intentional. And what’s going on screen when there isn’t bad dialogue being thrown around? Why, female nudity, of course.

In fact, the majority of this movie is comprised of scenes with women getting undressed with cartoon sound effects thrown (you know, for comedy). It’s pretty hilarious for the first hour, but after awhile you get tired of looking at boobs. Why can’t the boobs do something more than just show up? Why can’t they shoot lasers or something? As for the murder mystery, it’s really not that interesting and the movie losses sight of it until the end of the movie. Honestly, the movie these people are making looks ten times more interesting than this movie.

DVD Dump Counter

-1 pre-movie explicit content warning.

-1 starship sequence.

-1 porno blooper.

-14 scenes of female nudity.

-1 man punched in the nuts.

-1 death by noose made of film.

-1 botched convenience store robbery.

-1 bumbling fat cop.

-1 garbage fetish.

-1 severed hand.

-1 female wrestling scene.

-1 masked murderer.

-1 hand grenade exploding in a girl’s mouth.

RATING: C-Movie

While it has the appearance of bad soft-core porn flick, Bad Girls From Mars does okay as an over-the-top movie with a bad script and lots of female nudity. At times the script can be a bit agitating in its preschool humor and at other times it can be just ridiculous enough to be entertaining. It’s basically a ridiculous porno minus the sex and certainly not an ‘any-time’ kind of movie.

PHANTASM (1979)

Written and Directed by Don Coscarelli (Bubba Ho-Tep)

‘If this one doesn’t scare you, you’re already dead!’

That was the tagline for the cult low-budget horror movie, Phantasm. Well, I guess I must be dead considering this movie does not scare me. Of course, I wasn’t around in 1979 to see it in the theater and the standards for horror have been raised considerably since then. But it takes a LOT to scare me even with today’s horror. However, despite its age and low budget, it’s still one of my favorite horror movies of all time even it doesn’t scare me.

The interesting thing about Phantasm is that the story is unpredictable upon first viewing. The opening scenes set the mood as we observe the character Mike Pearson (Michael Baldwin), a young boy whose parents are dead, who notices something strange going on at the funeral home. Mike is raised by his brother Jody, whose best friend just died while scoring in a graveyard. During the funeral, Mike notices The Tall Man, the old guy in charge of the funerals, carrying a coffin all by himself as if it weighed nothing. What follows is a crazy plot involving dwarfing, flying orbs of death, inter-dimensional slavery, and nightmare of The Tall Man.

Phantasm is one of those movies that require repeat viewings. Upon first viewing, you’ll either be too scared or too confused as to what is going on. But the more you watch it the more the movie grows on you. The movie sticks out as a low-budget horror classic because of the iconic elements. The mascot of the movie is undeniably the metallic floating sphere that drills into people’s skulls and shoots out the blood. It only appears twice in the movie, but it’s by far the most memorable and most interesting special effect in the film. As for the rest of the special effects, it’s your standard low-budget tricks, but they’re done with admiration and realism unlike several other low-budget movies.  

The characters are also pretty cool the more I think about them. One of my favorite characters in the movie is a guitar playing ice cream man. Michael Baldwin does a decent job for a child actor and shows a lot more intelligence than your average kid. I didn’t even think of him as a kid in this movie. But nobody can top Angus Scrimm as The Tall Man. He’s presence is always eerie and the length he goes to kidnap Mike is ridiculous. He even goes as far as scaring Mike by appearing before his window and then forces himself through the window! It’s no wonder Angus Scrimm went on to play The Tall Man in the three Phantasm sequels that followed.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 creepy tall man.

-3 times the tall man says ‘BOY!’

-1 guitar-playing ice cream man.

-2 attacks from the shiny floating orb of death.

-1 creepy inter-dimensional slave shop disguised as a funeral home.

-3 moments of tall man posing as a young girl.

-1 guitar duet.

-3 creepy dreams, all involving the tall man.

-2 midget minions.

-1 scene of boobs.

-1 car chase.

-1 exploding car.

-1 exploding house.

-1 ‘it was all a dream’ ending.

RATING: B-Movie

Phantasm is one of those rare B-movies that get better with each viewing. It’s a fun little horror movie with that eerie quality you just don’t see in the guts-and-gore horror we have today. And that fact that is has awesome cinematography with decent special effects on a low budget AND it was made in 1979, it should be an inspirational movie to aspiring filmmakers.

KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE (1988)

Starring John Vernon (Animal House)

It should come as no surprise that the majority of people are scared by clowns. So, naturally, it’s not too hard to make a scary horror movie about clowns. However, Killer Klowns from Outer Space goes the extra mile. The three Chiodo brothers behind this film realize that if you’re going to make a movie about murderous clowns, make sure they are extra creepy and play up the clown angle in their kills. Oh and they’re aliens, too.

A bunch of horny teens make out at the local park-and-poke when a comet passes over them. Grant and Suzanne decide to go check out where it landed and happen upon a circus tent. But not before a redneck messes with it first played by Royal Dano, who would later play ANOTHER alien spotting farmer in Spaced Invaders two years later. They enter out of curiosity and discover giant bulbs of hanging cotton candy with a big twist; IT’S PEOPLE! After running into a couple of murderous alien clowns, they escape the ship and head to the police station to inform the local authorities of these events. Naturally, there is one tough old police chief, Curtis Mooney (John Vernon), who doesn’t buy their story for one second, and one young rookie cop, Dave Hanson, who is slightly hesitant to the idea. Meanwhile, the clowns go on a hilarious rampage of turning people into cotton candy and just plain killing them. What is their true purpose for stopping on Earth? I don’t really know or care why. The whole movie is just an excuse for creepy clowns to kill people in a humorous fashion.

The designs of the clowns themselves are quite brilliant. They appear as looming giants with wrinkly faces and bad dental hygiene. Think of them as the inbred cousins of the clown from Stephen King’s It. They even come across as real scary threats in more than just their appearance. There is a scene where a little girl is almost killed by one as the clown slowly leads her out to smash her skull in with a hammer. The kills are quite good ranging from boxing decapitation, to an invisible car chase, to ventriloquism. In addition to the comedic kills is a host of comedic characters with corny dialogue. Obviously, the most capable actor in the bunch is John Vernon as the police chief, but his character is also one of the cockiest as he doesn’t buy into the whole killer clown story. Even when he receives several 911 calls about them, he STILL refuses to acknowledge them as a real threat. The other characters are forced to spew out some pure cornball gold of dialogue that enhance comedy element of the movie.

It should also be worth noting that special effects are quite incredible considering the budget of the movie. Many of the clowns’ more elaborate kills involving shadow puppets and invisible cars look about as high quality as any other movie of 1988. Everything from the spinning circus tent spaceship to the elaborate death of the clowns is done with such love for the craft that it makes you wish there were more movies like this. I know there is a lot of fear about remakes and sequels, but I would be ecstatic if the Chiodo brothers returned for another Killer Klown movie without the use of CGI.

DVD Dump Counter

-2 bumbling horny ice-cream salesmen.

-1 redneck electrocuted.

-1 easily annoyed police chief.

-4 people zapped by ray guns turning them into cotton candy.

-1 act of punching a guy’s head off.

-1 car crash.

-1 group of people eaten by a shadow puppet.

-1 act of human ventriloquism.

-5 ‘clown snakes’.

-1 death by pie fight.

-2 sexy female clowns.

-1 giant monster clown.

-1 car explosion.

RATING: B-Movie

Killer Klowns from Outer Space balances a tight rope of being horrific and hilarious. For those who are still afraid of clowns, you’ll be terrified by this movie. For those are not afraid, you’ll get a kick out of the humor. So the movie can please anyone in the family.

UNKNOWN WORLD (1951)

Directed by Terry O. Morse (Godzilla: King of the Monsters)

There are sometimes in movies when you have to take certain liberties and suspend reality. Take Journey to the Center of the Earth for example. Its story is pure science fiction and isn’t very true to life. But what if it were true to life? Well, it wouldn’t be as exciting and that’s what Unknown World ends up being. However, it still has the imagination to suspend the belief that an underground drilling machine could run smoothly and carry several people.

As per usual with 1950’s science fiction, Earth faces the threat of nuclear war. Freaking out at the possibility, Doctor Jerimiah Morely heads an expedition via gigantic drill machine to find an underground environment for surviving a nuclear holocaust. But just to keep things interesting (or predictable) some investors come along for the ride to be annoying and cause conflict. Naturally, one or two of them die along the way to stress the dangers of the mission. As their oxygen and water runs low, the crew is forced to search the underground caves to survive.

The film is filled with lots of scientific talk about controlling the drill machine along with dull character developing dialogue. The cast is capable, but the story can’t keep up. The special effects are bare-bones, but more importantly, poorly edited. For instance when the drill machine is moving, you hear the sound that a drill would make, but the miniature model is being pulled rather poorly by a string causing the footage to not sync up. Are there any redeeming qualities about this film? Well, if you want to find a ‘fun’ way to teach students about caves, there are some educational (if not sophomoric) elements to the film. Not to mention the footage inside the caves are pretty interesting, but it just makes the miniature footage look twice as ridiculous and takes you out of the movie.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 atomic bomb stock footage reel.

-3 moments of narration.

-1 scene of pills for breakfast.

-3 scenes of a miniature drilling machine pulled via string.

-2 shirtless men pounding on rock with sledgehammers.

-1 falling-off-a-cliff death.

-1 volcanic apocalypse

-1 drowned-in-a-flood death.

RATING: C-Movie

Even though it’s a work of fiction, Unknown World has the same boredom level as an educational video in high school. However, just like an educational film, it holds SOME educational value. This could easily be one of those videos you show in classroom and discuss what is factual and what is science fiction.

OVERDRAWN AT THE MEMORY BANK (1983)

Starring Raul Julia (The Addams Family)

Data entry sounds like a boring job. I’ve considered it as a possible career, but wasn’t sure if it was for me. But after watching Overdrawn at the Memory Bank where a data entry technician goes on a mind adventure and ends up taking the company down while falling in love, date entry still sounds boring.

Aram Fingal (Raul Julia) is a computer data slave at Novicorp, a futuristic corporation. However, because of his genius, Fingal uses his computer to watch movies at work which is against work regulations (like any workplace). Now I know it’s not a good idea to show a better movie in your own movie (especially a TV movie like this one), but kudos to Fingal for going with Casablanca. If he’s going to be caught at work watching movies, he may as well watch one of the best. Apparently, in this society, very few people have actually seen movies as they call them cinemas.

And as if that weren’t terrifying enough, getting caught means you have to go through rehabilitation theory (that’s harsh). So what kind of rehabilitation is he in for? Its called Doppling which involves patients’ minds being transplanted into that of animals. However, Fingal’s body is misplaced and Fingal’s mind is forced into his own vision of Casablanca. He is observed and kept company by Apollonia James, the medical technician who inserts herself into Fingal’s fantasies and, of course, falls in love with him. Soon, he stumbles into Novicorp’s financial computers forcing the chairmen to get involved with Fingal’s brain.

So, basically, the movie turns into the equivalent of one of the Star Trek episodes where they get stuck in the holodeck. Except the script is mediocre and the special effects are incredibly dated. I swear this movie uses every video special effect they had available from rotating 3D planes to ‘pixeling’ the picture. Acting-wise, Raul Julia does a good job, but everyone else is okay at best. Donald Moore as the Novicorp Chairman is your typical pompous, extremely fat villain. In fact, his second character name in the movie is ‘The Fat Man’. The movie’s biggest flaw is in the Casablanca fantasies which are admirable, but all they really do is show off how low-budget the movie really is. I’ll give them credit for the Peter Lorre impersonator, but pardon me if I find it hard to believe Raul Julia impersonating Humphrey Bogart.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 opening credit sequence of Casablanca.

-1 female narrator.

-3 scenes of rotating ‘hologram’ planes.

-1 scene of brain surgery.

-3 scenes of Raul Julia voicing over nature footage of monkeys.

-1 low-production remake of Casablanca.

-1 Peter Lorre impersonator.

-1 very fat villain.

-1 vision of a lake lady handing out commandments.

-?? moments of green screen and ‘3D’.

RATING: C-Movie

From a story standpoint, Overdrawn at the Memory Bank is a capable B-movie. But because of its low-budget and overused special effects along with some lackluster direction, it’s a C-movie. I could only recommend watching this movie if you want to see some early Raul Julia before he starred in The Addams Family. Oh, and if you want to see some real dated special effects.

DOCTOR WHO: GENESIS OF THE DALEKS (1975)

The Time Lords (Doctor Who’s bosses) enlist the Doctor for a mission of grave importance on the planet of Skaro. And by enlist, I mean forciblly bring him to planet before the Doctor even knows about the mission. Along with his two companions, Sarah Jane and Harry, the Doctor must find a way to stop the killing machines known as the Daleks by preventing their creation or at least hindering them (just guess what he ends up doing). The three arrive during a war between the Kaleds and the Thals. The Kaleds are headed by Davros, the supreme ruler and half a Dalek himself, who creates the Dalek race right before the Doctor’s eyes. With the Doctor and Harry captured by the Kaleds, Sarah used for slave labor by the Thals and no way off Skaro except for a ‘Time Ring’, this is one of the Doctor’s darker missions.

Now the Daleks themselves are not that intimidating considering how many people they kill. After all, how can you take a moving trashcan with a plunger seriously even if it is holding a laser rifle? Thankfully, the Daleks don’t take too much screentime. Most of the time is spent on the raspy-voiced Davros (who is played by a very competent actor despite the pounds of makeup and limited mobility) and the strict soldiers. The story of the war itself is more effective than watching each side take heavy losses in the form of miniature explosions, fake looking deaths via gunshots, and using negative color to create the illusion of a laser explosion. If you can get past all that, there is a fascinating story of biological warfare, genocide, the price of war, and the will to survive. Tom Baker is at his best in this serial despite not cracking as many jokes as usual. This time he is more serious considering the gravity of the mission. In terms of overacting, the only times I’d say the actors are at fault are when they play dead. I didn’t by a single death considering everyone falls down awkwardly or screams and flails their arms about. Despite the best efforts of the director and the designers, Doctor Who is really one of the shows where the science fiction elements are better on paper. No wonder there was a radio program.

Despite the dated and low-budget special effects (which I’ve come to accept from early Doctor Who), the story succeeds for it’s strengths in the drama and the acting. So for Doctor Who, this is one of the better stories. If you have to watch one Doctor Who serial, I’d recommend either this one or City of Death. Just don’t go in expecting the best special effects. I mean, this is 1970’s television were talking about here.

GAS-S-S-S –Or- It Became Necessary to Destroy the World in Order to Save It (1971)

Directed by Roger Corman (The Trip)

Man, do I hate hippies! At first I thought they were just annoying hipsters who listen to too much Hendrix and smoked too much weed. But after watching Gas-s-s-s, I’m convinced that if hippies ever take over the Earth, humanity is over.

Gas-s-s-s is not so much a story but rather an expose on what would happen if everybody in the 70’s over the age of 25 died from exposure to a gas that for some reason only kill people over the age of 25. It’s like a college student’s version of Mad Max. The film follows a group of your typical hippies who travel America partying, screwing, and meeting all kinds of crazy young people who have adopted new roles in the new world. They run across a bunch of western loving guys who have a shootout while yelling out the names of famous western stars. They receive odd words from Edgar Allen Poe on a motorcycle. The jocks have adopted the role of the raping and pillaging gang, using their football training to conquer the world. In one scene, the jocks tackle a woman during practice while the leader yells out ‘you call that a rape’. I must say there is quite a bit of sexual humor even in one instance where a hippie agrees to be raped by some strangers. Probably one of the weirdest social groups in the movie is a gang of golf cart drivers. Heck, even God makes some brief cameos (although completely pointless). The movie ends with a standoff at a pueblo commune that features one of the most nonsensical endings ever filmed.

I can tell the movie is trying to be a kooky social satire, but there are several scenes that are dated and the satire is almost completely random at times. I’m all for social commentary, but if you’re going to create a story like that, at least make the characters grow. You could literally watch any scene of this movie out of order and it wouldn’t make a difference. The gags themselves range from mildly humorous reference humor to just plain stupid. The most stupid being a scene where a woman eats too much she explodes. I guess if I look at it the right way it seems to make a comment on how women are obsessed with keeping thin, but the timing of it is off and the delivery isn’t great. In fact, that’s the problem with most of the gags in the movie. On paper, they actually are pretty funny, but the actors and the pacing don’t do the gags justice.

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 animated opening.

-2 hippie parties.

-1 car crashing through a barrier.

-2 sex scenes.

-2 instances of rape.

-1 flasher.

-1 instance of woman exploding via eating too much.

RATING: C-Movie

Gas-s-s-s could almost be considered a so-bad-its-funny movie, but the symbolism and social commentary is a bit dated and at times forced. Not to mention there is a certain tone to the film that hippies are always right, but, trust me, nobody is right in this movie. This is a comedy about base and dense people who can’t function in a new world. If anything, the movie serves as a good example about how you should be an individual and not relegate yourself to one social group as all the characters in this movie seem to do.

FROZEN ALIVE (1964)

Starring Wolfgang Lukschy (The Longest Day)

Of all the mid-20^th century science fiction flicks, the ones that stand out are the ones that tend not to focus so much on the science and more on the story and characters. That’s why people still recognize War of the Worlds and The Day the Earth Stood Still as cinema classics and not just campy sci-fi flicks. Frozen Alive makes an admirable attempt at being a character drama and a science fiction tale, but sadly they don’t mesh.

Mark Stevens plays Dr. Frank Overton is working on experiments in cryogenic with his assistant Dr. Helen Wieland. Despite the proof of chimpanzees surviving the process, Frank believes he can go one step further and freeze himself. At first, it sounded like this was going to be a sort of Buck Rogers or Twilight Zone type story where something goes horribly awry and Frank ends up in a different world. Boy, were my hopes high. It takes over half the movies runtime of an hour for Frank to freeze himself. The first half focuses on Frank’s drunk and suicidal wife, Joan, who can’t stand him spending so much time at the office. While Frank finally goes through with the experiment on himself, Joan accidentally shoots herself. So now Frank is suspected of killing his wife in his deep freeze.

That’s not a bad story, but it has no hook to draw you in. The science fiction elements are purely amateur (even for a 1960’s film) and the characters, though well-developed, grated on my nerves after awhile. The ending operation scene to save Frank is a bit interesting, but there is a certain lack of tension and a cornball happy ending that ruins the scene. The worst part about this movie is that it feels like two completely different movies, a character drama and a tale of science fiction, but because they don’t blend well together its hard to determine just who this movie is meant for. My best guess would be for those who want a science fiction character drama, but without all the wacky sci-fi elements. I’m not entirely sure who wants a movie like that, but I’m sure an audience like that exists, right?

DVD Dump Counter:

-1 drunken wife.

-1 act of accidental suicide.

-1 man cryogenically frozen.

-1 operation scene.

RATING: C-Movie

Frozen Alive is certainly a chore to get through, but it is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen so I’m giving it a very low C-Movie rating. The acting is okay and the characters are certainly developed, but the story is so droll and the science fiction of the movie is minimal at best. A word of advice: if you’re going to have a science fiction movie about cryogenics, DO SOMETHING WITH IT!

INKHEART (2009)

Starring  Brendon Fraiser (The Mummy)

NOTE: Usually I do DVD reviews of cheap movies, but after being roped into viewing Inkheart, I was compelled to review it.

Gee wilikers, a fantasy movie! Contrary to what Lord of the Rings may say, fantasy movies are essentially chick flicks. Call me what you will, but I think any movie with unicorns, dragons, and fairies isn’t intended for a male audience. And neither is Inkheart, a tired and plothole filled date movie intended for the girls who still have a crush on Brendon Fraiser and his Keanu-Reeves-esque acting abilities.

See if you can follow this concept. Brendon Fraiser plays Mo ‘Silvertongue’ Folchart (the worst possible name for a main character) who has the ability to read fictional characters out of books and replacing the fictional character with a real life person. In other words, one person comes out of the book, the other goes into it. So Mo reads out a group of characters from the book Inkheart (which is actually a real book) and his wife is taken inside the book. Mo decides the best course of action is to not do anything for nine years until his daughter is all grown up and can actually contribute to the plot. Once she is, Mo decides to find another copy of the book to read his wife out, but the book is very rare. So Mo and his daughter set out on a quest where they encounter many fictional characters of literature in an adventure that is very tired and pretictable by the end.

Inkheart has some HUGE plotholes. Lets take the whole reading-characters-out-of-the-book idea. So if a fictional character is pulled out of a story and replaced by a real person, does that real person become part of and change the story itself? But in doing so, wouldn’t that negate the actual history of the story itself in real time? And is this affect only relegated to one book or every version of the story? Why am I questioning the logistics of this idea? Because this concept plays a big part of the story and is contantly the center of attention. One might ask if Mo could just re-read or rewrite the book to get his wife back. I did and thought the movie wasn’t answering it right away because there was some kind of law or limitations for this kind of magic. NOPE! Turns out it was just being ignored until it was convenient for the script.

The second biggest problem was the characters. Mo and his daughter are barely developed and aren’t even that interesting. I didn’t really care if Mo found his wife or not because we don’t see much of her and we don’t know the emotional weight of how important she was to Mo. The rest of the characters are about as stock as you can get. The typical bald villain, the angsty warrior, the foreign guy for comic relief, the old bag who loves nothing but books, and giddly author happy to see his creations come to life. None of the actors really stand out in any of these roles and most of their actions in the movie at times seem almost completely random. Oh, and how could I forget, the staple of any cute movie: fuzzy little animals. In this movie we have a ferret and a Toto type dog. What purpose do they serve? None, but LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY ARE! You’re going to have to look anyways as the camera focuses entirely on them in scenes when they are doing absolutely nothing.

RATING: C-Movie

I’ve seen worse, but this movie was really pushing my buttons with how routine it was. The special effects are decent and the locations look beautiful, but those are the only things holding me back from rating this as a Z-Movie. I’m sure this seems like an interesting and original idea to some, but I’ve already seen this kind of movie before; I’ve already seen The Never-Ending Story 3 and Jumanji and those movies were both ‘meh’. You can mix them both together in a blender, but you’re still going to get ‘meh’. Also, as a personal message to the movie, OKAY, I’ll start reading more, I’ll go to the library, just shut up with the incredibly stupid dialogue about books that would even make Reading Rainbow say ‘tone it down’.